Charlie Shaw

“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

Bill Murray stole $20 from me. Not in the sense that I saw a bad movie of his and decided he owed me for my time and money spent, but that he actually grabbed a $20 bill from my hand, put it in his pocket, said the words “no change” and went on his merry way.

Sister in law only bought a windshield wiper for the driver’s side.

I know a girl who is living in Oregon waiting for her stepfather to get out of jail so that they can get married. He’s in jail for having a relationship with a minor (her).

I absolutely need to control the wireless router. Try to make this a criteria when looking for a room. I also talk to myself using radio procedure. “Alpha six Charlie, be advised, sandwich is coming up, ETA four mikes. Copy that alpha six bravo; we’re waiting for it. Over.”

This video. The spectre lunges towards the camera at the bottom right, but makes a sudden direction change, disregarding the impulse that a physical object would have.

The United States government said that they were testing smoke screens in St. Louis to protect against Soviet aerial attacks in the 1950s. They were actually spraying citizens with radioactive particles to study the effects.

Sometimes I’m scared to go get stuff from the attic, spiders are terrifying. But I do it anyways.

Katherine Heigl was a real bitch in High School. She would walk around like a little diva and all the teachers hated her (she was about 2 years into film career). One of the best stories is when her manager accompanied her into a class asking for less homework and less work and the teacher apparently just lost it.

Well, I’m a ginger with a goatee and a receding hairline. Thinking maybe I’ll just buzz my hair down the middle, wear a black t-shirt and be Louis C.K.

A breakfast sandwich with eggs and jelly is awesome. And meatballs slow cooked with jelly and ketchup is also really good. JUST TRUST ME, I KNOW KARATE.

This kid I knew had no legs because his parents were agent orange victims in Vietnam. During the beginning of the school year he would find groups of confused young freshmen, and “fall” out of his wheelchair at them only to scream “I have no legs.”

Fatherless, motherless and born without skin, I speak when I come into the world, but never speak again. What am I?

I’m fairly sure my son and daughter are having sex with each other.

Bill Murray, because who would believe me?

Interviewers like candidates who take initiative! Even if they haven’t asked for a drug test, bring a urine sample.

It would solve a lot of problems if men broke up with women only after they’re absolutely certain this is what they want. Try picturing her sleeping with someone else. Can you stomach that? If not, then I would recommend re-evaluating your decision.

Fanny. Sorry but that word does not mean butt. It means vagina.