Alana Capri

LEO: Even this headline gave you a panic attack. “Is she talking about me? Why is she talking about me? She doesn’t even know me! Why would she single me out in public like this?”

SCORPIO: When you’re deeply in love, it causes you tremendous emotional pain to be without your lover for a minute—even if they’re on the toilet! You want to possess your lover like Satan possessed Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

ARIES: DON’T take that job offer. It might seems like a great opportunity, and sure, it’s a LOT more money, but do you really want to move away to a state that smells like cow manure just for a little extra cash?

GEMINI: Brace yourself for an unanticipated expense sometime in the spring. Things will smooth out by the summer, and by the fall you’ll be able to afford that luxury item you’ve been craving for years.

TAURUS: This may be the happiest year of your life. Things will fall in place in unexpected ways. Don’t waste a single minute of 2018—savor every last drop as if it’s the finest creme brûlée.

LEO: You pray when you’re in trouble, but that’s about as far as it goes. To God, you’re like that annoying friend who only calls when you need something.

SCORPIO: The minute you enter the room, the music stops and everyone drops their drinks because things are gonna get serious.

TAURUS: You’re about a half-inch deep. Very shallow and superficial. In your mind, the only possible thing greater than you would be two of you.

Spoiler Alert: It’s not that bad, and in every case there’s a happy ending!

SCORPIO: You’re the type who finds $100 bills on the sidewalk. You and all your friends could go tiptoeing through meadows in springtime, and you’re always the only one to find a four-leaf clover.

SCORPIO: Do you like hot weather? For your sake, I hope you do. Don’t bother bringing a jacket—you won’t need it where you’re going.

CAPRICORN: You kick so much ass, it’s a wonder that there are any asses left.

PISCES: Nothing. Literally nothing makes you angry. That doesn’t mean you don’t get angry. In fact, you get angry a lot. What it means is that you get angry over nothing.

VIRGO: Nothing makes you laugh harder than hearing about the misfortune of someone you dislike. Remember the guy who bullied you in high school? He just went to prison for tax evasion! LOL!!!

PISCES: You are an extremely loyal friend—that is, up until the moment you find a new lover. Then you forget all about your friends. When you start sleeping with someone, you fall asleep on all your friends.

GEMINI: You’re quite the sour gummy worm. When you get in one of your moods—because everyone knows you have only two—you are one foul, back-stabbing, two-faced bitch.

ARIES: You were born a firecracker with a quarter-inch fuse. You start arguments AND end them, even if the other side has no interest in arguing.

PISCES: You’re such a sweet and kind person, which is why it pains me to tell you that you’re a slob. You will eventually get around to cleaning, but not before making one billion excuses for why you can’t do it right now.