There’s no doubt about it—you’ve been a very good girl. If your rewards don’t come in this life—and sometimes it seems like they never will, right?—they will definitely come in the next. Not only are you going to heaven—you’re getting your own customized, personally tailored Sky Box right up at the top. Great view. Fantastic food. Ridiculously comfortable bed. Six-person jacuzzi. Personalized butler service, too—and you should see the butler! Rrrow!
You’re so good, it even makes God wince every once in a while. God even has trouble remembering if you’ve ever sinned—she’s pretty sure you have, but she can’t put a time or a place on it. Maybe it was the time you took an extra piece of candy from the candy jar in school, but beyond that you’ve been as clean as a freshly bleached whistle. Harps and wings and pretty clouds await you in the next life.
You don’t even need to pack a bag, because they already have a white gown ready for you. All the angels in heaven keep talking about how they can’t wait to meet you. You’ve walked the straight and narrow, and your reward will be a trip straight through the pearly gates. Just a warning—St. Peter is probably going to try and hit on you at the gates, but ignore him. There are tons of hotter guys in heaven than him. And won’t that be heavenly?
You’re headed in the right direction, but be careful not to make any U-turns. That white dress you’re wearing is awfully pretty, but it won’t look so nice if you accidentally spill ketchup all over it. Keep your eyes on the price, and if they try to lead you into temptation, kick them in the balls.
You’re a good girl during the week but a very naughty little girl on the weekends. This means you’re still leaning toward heaven, but God forbid you have a few three-day weekends in a row before passing through this vale of tears into the afterlife. If you have to stand before the Great White Throne and be judged while you’re still suffering from a nasty hangover, it might not go well for you.
As with everything Twins-related, it could go either way for you. Sometimes it seems like you’ll wind up singing with the Choir Invisible. Other times I’m sure you’ll be wailing the dirges of the condemned as flames lick at your flesh. You have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. If you know what’s for your own good, start listening to the angel.
Which way will the lioness go? Well, if the lioness keeps clawing out the eyes of other girls because she’s a drama queen who’s always fighting over boys and social status, she’ll go to hell. But if she straightens up and starts licking clean all the wounds she’s inflicted on herself and others, there’s a good chance she’ll spend eternity purring loudly up in heaven.
You know you’ve been bad. I know you’ve been bad. Your mother knows you’ve been bad. Everyone knows you’ve been bad, and that includes God. If you want to keep being bad just for spite, well, God can be spiteful, too. Just sayin’.
Despite your name, you are no virgin when it comes to sinning. You broke that hymen long, long ago, lady. You’ve hurt those that have tried to help you and you’ve stepped on quite a few necks to get where you are. But unless you straighten up and fly right, you’ll find yourself flying with bat wings rather than the wings of an angel.
Yeah, you sure do know how to have a lot of fun—with the drinking and the eating and (ahem) all the Tinder—but you haven’t done much in the way of helping others or trying to make the world a better place. Sometimes being a badass, kickass bitch has its downsides—such as, you know, winding up wailing and gnashing your teeth in the Lake of Fire. Mend your ways, lady, or you’re taking a one-way ride to Hades.
Saying you’ve been bad makes the word “bad” sound worse than it even is. So you haven’t been bad—you’ve been worse. You’ve lied, cheated, stolen, double-crossed, and backstabbed to the point where there’s no doubt you’re going to hell, only which one of the seven levels of Dante’s Inferno you’ll wind up occupying. So if you want to avoid the eternal torments of hellfire, you should start doing good immediately. In fact, you can get started by giving me $100 for saving your soul. That would be good.
Do you like hot weather? For your sake, I hope you do. With Charles Manson now dead, you’re currently in the running for Most Evil Person on Earth. If you don’t change your ways—and quickly—you, the scorpion, will be down there will all the spiders, roaches, and snakes. Otherwise, don’t bother bringing a jacket—you won’t need it where you’re going.