(March 21st to April 19th)
Due to intermittent flare-ups of social anxiety—especially in clubs and bars—you will briefly begin smoking cigarettes to appear cooler-looking and less fidgety. But due to the high cost and the fact that you actually hate the taste and don’t see why anyone would take pleasure in basically licking an ashtray, the habit will last only a month. You will rededicate your life to personal health and well-being, which will involve a torrid affair with a cute guy you meet at the gym.
(April 20th to May 21st)
During the dark and frigid opening months of the year leading to the first day of spring, you will become depressed and listless. You will start binge-eating all of your favorite foods, and during the week where Valentine’s day falls, you will eat a whole pizza and a whole pint of ice cream every day. When things finally start warming up, you will find an unwanted ring of blubber around your midsection. You will put yourself on a strict Paleo diet along with an intense daily Pilates workout. But the time Bikini Season rolls around, your flab will evaporate like snow under a warm sun.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
In the summer you will meet a guy who is simultaneously gorgeous, charming, and sexy AF. He will sweep you off your feet—for a week. And then he will mysteriously disappear, leaving you heartbroken and forlorn. Then, one day late in August while you’re sitting on a park bench feeling sorry for yourself, you will meet the love of your life and forget all about that creep who dumped you.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
After an acutely debaucherous night out clubbing, you will awake in the morning to realize that your credit card is missing. Then you will get a text warning from your bank. When you log in to check your balance, you will realize to your dismay that overnight, someone used your card to buy over $300 in alcohol and another $200 in junk food. Thankfully, the bank will recover your losses. The next weekend, you will have the time of your life as you use your credit card to order over $300 in alcohol and another $200 in junk food.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
What you’ve been fearing for the past couple years will turn into a nightmare come to life—the company where you’ve been unhappily working will lay you off with no warning. That’s the bad news. But over the next 13 weeks, you will collect unemployment checks while being wined and dined by a dark, handsome man from the Middle East. After he finally returns to his homeland, you will check your email and realize you’ve just received a job offer that makes your previous job look like the joke you always suspected it was.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
A distant family member will start a false rumor about you that isn’t very nice at all. For a few weeks you’ll be freaking out as it seems that half of your family believes it. Then this distant family member will be arrested for precisely the sort of perverted acts he accused you of. Your family reputation will be not only be restored, it will be better than ever. Plus, you’ll have lifelong moral leverage over the family members who were foolish enough to swallow the rumors. An aunt who feels especially bad about ever doubting you will let you stay at her beach house rent-free over the summer.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
During a routine doctor’s checkup, your family physician will notice a suspicious-looking mole on your back. He will recommend a biopsy. You will wait a week for the results, certain that you will die of skin cancer and never meet the guy of your dreams and build a family. The results will come back negative, though, and the doctor’s ultra-handsome son—the one you’ve been craving since middle school—will ask you on a date.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
While walking alone back to your car after dinner with some business acquaintances, a creepy man will start walking beside you making all sorts of lewd comments. You will grip onto your keys tightly and wish you’d brought your Mace along with you. Just a few steps away from your car as you’re certain he’s going to attack you, a police vehicle will pull up, sirens blaring, and arrest a man who’s been wanted for weeks for a string of sexual assaults.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
Your car will get stolen, leaving you to depend on public transportation for a week. At the end of that week, the person who stole it will get into a traffic accident and end up with a broken leg. When police begin piecing the evidence together, they will show up at the hospital and handcuff the thief to his hospital bed. Then the insurance company will overestimate your car’s worth to the point where you can not only buy another car of similar value, you will have enough left over to take that dream vacation you’ve always wanted.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
On a summertime camping trip with friends, you will be bitten by a wasp. The pain will be unlike anything you’ve felt before. Luckily, though, that hot guy you’ve been crushing on is an expert in herbal remedies and will grind up a poultice that slowly eases your pain. His kindness and tenderness will lead to a night of ecstasy between the two of you in his spacious tent. You will realize that both food and sex are always better in the great outdoors.
(January 21st to February 18th)
Your family will come together to mourn the passing of an uncle that you only met a few times but whom you always liked. He was a sweet man, devoted to his family and friends and loved by all. You will be genuinely sad at his passing. The only good thing out of it is that he left you enough money in his will to pay off all your debts…with a little left over.
(February 19th to March 20th)
You will start getting mysterious text messages from an unknown number. They go into great detail about where you live, work, how beautiful you are, and how they want to capture you and make you their love slave. But just when you’re ready to hand all the messages over to the police, this “creepy stranger” actually turns out to be the crush you’ve been too shy to approach.