You are so obsessively clean, it borders on germophobia. Germs shake in terror when you enter the room—it could be said that germs have a case of you-o-phobia. With you, everything gets the white-glove treatment—twice! Not only can you eat off your floors, you can perform surgery on them. Damn you for making the rest of us look like slobs.
Seeing clutter gives you a headache. You look at sloppiness as if it were a mental illness. You’re interested in space exploration because you hope that one day we’ll be able to send all the earth’s garbage, dirt, and even dust to another planet. You will sometimes wash your clothes twice because you suspect that even your washing machine is a bit of a lazy slob.
Windex. Formula 409. Pine Sol. Bleach. These are the names of your best friends. You are the only person in your circle of friends who carries deodorant in your purse. If you haven’t showered for more than 18 hours, you begin getting extremely cranky. You’ll allow yourself to get dirty maybe once or twice a year; the rest of the year you feel guilty about it.
Dirt clings to your body like sin, and you scrub it away like Lady Macbeth trying to clean the invisible blood stains from your hands. Your personal hygiene is immaculate. (By the way, you might want to look in a mirror, because I think something’s stuck in your teeth—just kidding! I’m sorry, because I knew you’d look.)
To you, cleanliness is mostly about appearances. Superficially, you’re very clean. Your house looks spotless, but there’s plenty of dirt behind the couches. When you wear makeup, there’s still oil and dirt underneath it all on your unwashed face. Plus, your mind is extremely dirty—you know it. Don’t try to pretend otherwise.
You are a huge fan of orderliness, which is why clutter bothers you more than filth does. Everything needs its place. You hate anything that disrupts your highly developed sense of feng shui. You actually stopped reading this paragraph halfway through because that one book in your bookcase was slightly out of place, and you just HAD to fix it.
You’re the twins, so you’re both sloppy and neat. It just depends on the situation. Your personal hygiene is impeccable due to your narcissism. Your housecleaning skills need to take it up a notch. Of all rooms where you live, the bathroom is likely to be the worst. Not trying to shame you—just pointing it out. Next time I visit you and have to go to the bathroom, I’ll go down the block and use the loo at McDonald’s.
You may think you’re the smartest and funniest and best-looking person in the room, but it’s been two weeks since you’ve taken out the trash. It’s been roughly six months since you flossed. I’m not saying you’re disgusting, but that’s only because I’m too polite. I’ll let your next boyfriend tells you you’re disgusting after the previous one dumped you because your place is a dump.
You have a clean mind but a dirty house. You pay your taxes quicker than you wash your dishes. You go to your dentist regularly, but it’d be nice if you used mouthwash every once in a while. You do a good job at paying someone to clean your place every once in a while. Problem is, you can’t pay someone to shower for you. Please up your personal hygiene game a notch. I’m saying this as a friend.
You’re such a sweet and kind person, which is why it pains me to tell you that you’re a slob. You will eventually get around to cleaning, but not before making one billion excuses for why you can’t do it right now. Your attitude is that you’re going to mess up your bed sheets when you go to sleep tonight, so why make your bed in the first place? Same thing applies to dirt—why clean if it’s going to come back anyway…right?
You’re too busy looking at yourself in the mirror to realize how much dust and grease there is on that mirror. Or the big crack on the mirror. Or the giant coffee stain on the wall behind the mirror after that time you threw your coffee on the wall after you found out your boyfriend was cheating. You don’t even see the big mustard stain on your blouse. Or the giant zit on your neck. And still you wonder why your boyfriend cheated on you.
In your case, the scales tip clearly toward sloppiness. You actually get a headache when everything’s too clean or orderly. By the way, the car keys you’re scrambling to find are underneath the pile of filthy laundry in the corner. Right near all the cockroaches. Next to the empty pizza boxes—to the left of the bowl of fossilized mac ’n’ cheese.