(March 21st to April 19th)
Once crossed, you become an adult infant wearing invisible diapers, throwing Stage 5 tantrums that endanger everything in your vicinity—yourself included. Whether it’s your overall authority problem or the fact that you just can’t stand not getting your way, your inner “ram” will emerge and you will smash through everything that stands in your path. Your bad side is not deliberate, nor cold, nor passive-aggressive—it is impulsive and uncontrolled. Hell hath no fury like an Aries scorned.
(April 20th to May 21st)
Being lazy at your core, you won’t bother to develop intricate revenge plots because they’re too costly and time-consuming. You won’t even take a minute to surf the web seeking instructions for how to send someone a poisoned letter. Instead, you will build a wall. A wall 100 feet high. No one will be able to reach you or speak to you. They won’t be given a chance to make things right. Your way of murdering people is by pretending they’re already dead.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
You’re such an incurably moody little bitch, you’re the only sign whose very symbol is based on a split personality. You have your good days and your bad days. Your charming side and your off-putting side. Your sunshine and your rain. But when someone makes the dumb decision to step on your toes, they are walking straight into a thunderstorm. They may never get to see your good side again.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
Everyone better duck when your crab claws come out! If you feel you’ve been wronged, you won’t go in for the kill. You’ll just pick and poke and nag and needle until your target has lost the will to live.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. Guess what? It is! Because you’re an arrogant and self-absorbed bully, your way of puffing yourself up is by tearing someone else down. You will do it with words—you will seek out their weak spot and burrow in it like a worm, eating all the way to the core. To save your wounded ego, you try to destroy someone else’s.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
Your dark side is expressed through passive-aggressiveness, which is often more infuriating than flat-out aggression. Rather than punch someone in the nose, you will say, “I never noticed until now how weird your nose looks.” Rather than slashing someone’s tires, you’ll say, “Everything your parents said about you was right,” and then you’ll leave without explaining.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
You will carry a grudge so long, you will develop muscles from it. You think apologies and forgiveness are useless, because they knew exactly why they did what they did, and all they want from an apology is for you to tell them they’re not really as awful as they are. Your way of stabbing someone over and over is by denying them the psychological relief of forgiveness and reconciliation.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
One can’t step on a Scorpio without getting stung. Even for the slightest infraction, you will plan the most elaborate and painful revenge. You will follow them across the seven seas and to all four corners of the earth to make sure that vengeance is yours. And you won’t feel a twinge of guilt for making their life a living hell—after all, they should have been nice to you.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
When someone makes the mistake of angering you, you will tell them how you feel. You will tell them how you feel about their new haircut, the 15 pounds they’ve put on during the past month, the fact that their boyfriend has been hitting on you since the two of them started dating, and that you never liked them, no, not even for a minute since the day you met. You will hit them with a baseball bat made of pure honesty.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
You won’t do a single thing to the person who wronged you. Instead, you will tell their boyfriend about what you all did on that “girls only” camping trip—the one that actually took place at a hotel in Las Vegas. You will tell their parents about the fact that it wasn’t a hit-and-run that damaged their car—well, actually it was, but it was their daughter doing the hitting and the running. And you’ll call their boss to tell them every last complaint they’ve ever made about the shitty company where they’re employed.
(January 21st to February 18th)
You will drive your antagonist to the brink of madness with little snippy passive-aggressive comments. Whatever they tell you, you’ll roll your eyes and say, “Grow up.” Even if they aren’t even acting mildly irritated, you’ll say, “Looks like I hit a nerve.” When they tell you about the new car their parents gave them, you’ll say, “Must be nice to be handed everything you have. Some of us actually have to work for it.”
(February 19th to March 20th)
You will do nothing directly to them. Instead, you will light candles, burn incense, put on your hooded cloak, and sit in the middle of the giant pentagram on your basement floor, summoning the powers of darkness to seek revenge on your behalf.