LIBRA: You find hidden meaning in things that have absolutely no hidden meaning. I’m not sure whether anyone ever told you this, but sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber. Sometimes riding a horse is just riding a horse. Sometimes eating a popsicle is just eating a popsicle….
SCORPIO: Worst of the worst. Falling in love with a Scorpio is like falling through a trapdoor. They will sting your heart in a million little places and let it slowly bleed out.
LEO: Even this headline gave you a panic attack. “Is she talking about me? Why is she talking about me? She doesn’t even know me! Why would she single me out in public like this?”
VIRGO: FLOWERS … Fields and fields of endless flowers. Running through those fields of flowers with him. Lying down in those fields of flowers with him. It’s just you, him, and endless fields of flowers.
ARIES: You receive a huge bouquet of flowers from a complete stranger—one who’s so completely strange you honestly have no idea who sent them. You find it creepy and thrilling at the same time. More creepy, actually. No—more thrilling.
SCORPIO: When you’re deeply in love, it causes you tremendous emotional pain to be without your lover for a minute—even if they’re on the toilet! You want to possess your lover like Satan possessed Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
ARIES: DON’T take that job offer. It might seems like a great opportunity, and sure, it’s a LOT more money, but do you really want to move away to a state that smells like cow manure just for a little extra cash?
VIRGO: Midway through the year, you will meet a guy who stirs feelings in you that go way deeper than mere physical desire. If you’re looking for love, grab his hand and never let go.
GEMINI: Brace yourself for an unanticipated expense sometime in the spring. Things will smooth out by the summer, and by the fall you’ll be able to afford that luxury item you’ve been craving for years.
TAURUS: This may be the happiest year of your life. Things will fall in place in unexpected ways. Don’t waste a single minute of 2018—savor every last drop as if it’s the finest creme brûlée.