Alana Capri

ARIES: You were born a firecracker with a quarter-inch fuse. You start arguments AND end them, even if the other side has no interest in arguing.

PISCES: You’re such a sweet and kind person, which is why it pains me to tell you that you’re a slob. You will eventually get around to cleaning, but not before making one billion excuses for why you can’t do it right now.

PISCES: You are forgiving—WAY TOO forgiving for your own good. If Gandhi and Mother Teresa had a baby, it would be you.

SCORPIO: Your idea of classy is to get your name written in rhinestones on the back of your stonewashed denim jacket. You’re proud that you have two pairs of UGG boots—one for menial labor, the other for “special occasions.”

GEMINI: You don’t give a f*ck. You don’t even HAVE a f*ck to give. You sold all your f*cks long ago. Someone could hit your emotions with a brick and you still wouldn’t feel anything.

SAGITTARIUS: Once a cheater, always a cheater? Honey, were BORN a cheater. If there was a way to cheat after death, you’d do that, too.

CANCER: You’re like an impending earthquake or tsunami—24 hours before you get into one of your notoriously awful moods, all animals in the area can sense trouble and will begin to flee.

ARIES: You don’t even think it’s a dumb idea to drive down to Tijuana for the weekend—which is a stretch, seeing as how you live in Canada.