Once a cheater, always a cheater? Honey, were BORN a cheater. If there was a way to cheat after death, you’d do that, too. You cheat like you eat. You cheat like you breathe. You cheat like you sleep. You like the cheating, you like the getting-caught part, and then you like cheating on the person you cheated on your previous lover with. Let’s face it—you’re a cheater.
Everyone knows you’re a cheater, but do you really have to be so open about it? I mean, you didn’t even put away the lube and used condoms that you left on your night table. But you don’t even mind getting caught, because it’s an ego boost—you actually prefer getting caught, you egomaniac sexaholic. Your “number” is very high—higher than even your credit score. You have a “bullpen” full of backup lovers that you can booty-call at 4AM should things go south with the current one. Woe unto the poor soul who falls in love with you, because sooner or later they’re going to fall on their face.
It’s not even that you like sex so much as you love feeling wanted, so it’s a near certainty that you will eventually resort to emotional cheating. Relationships and love are important to you—not so important, of course, that you don’t have a few pieces on the side at all times. You share details of the current guy with this other guy…and that other guy. One’s a former lover. One’s a potential future lover. And you’re so talented at cheating once you set your mind on it, you can have dinner with all three guys at the same restaurant at the same time, and none of them will suspect.
Your partner might not be doing anything wrong at all. It’s just that you get curious. And then your mind wanders. You don’t like feeling trapped. Your inner ram just wants to go out and “lock horns” every so often, if you catch my drift. You like sampling different lovers as if they were different pastries at a fine French bakery. The worst thing about you is that you won’t try to hide it once you’re caught—in fact, you’ll rub it in his face. After all, if he was satisfying you and knew how to keep you happy, you wouldn’t have cheated in the first place…right?
Once you’ve wondered what it’s like to sleep with someone besides your boyfriend, you won’t be happy until you try it. After all, what if you die and never took a chance on the person who turned out to be “the one”? So you wind up cheating with the first person who catches your eye, which is likely his friends…and his brothers…and maybe even his dad from time to time. Most animal species aren’t monogamous, so why should you be?
You don’t do it often, but you don’t get upset when you do. After all, you’re an animal, and animals have needs. If you can’t be with the one you love, you know, might as well love the one you’re with. Or at least fuck them. Who said anything about love, really? So you when you wind up cheating, it’s almost by accident. You’ll slip up and get drunk. Or temporarily distracted on a business trip. But it’s no biggie to you. You don’t feel any worse than you would if you were on a diet and slipped up to eat a cheeseburger. It’s purely physical. No need to worry or get upset. You love your boyfriend—this was just some hot guy you decided to have sex with.
It’s not that you don’t cheat, it’s that you’re so goddamned sloppy at it. My God, make it a little more obvious. You’re too polite, too—you don’t want them finding out. So your toxic mix of polite sloppiness winds up making a huge mess of it all—for everyone involved. You will cheat until you’ve found “the one,” and then you will never cheat again. The only reason you cheat is because they’re not “the one,” and if you really think about it, it’s sort of their fault for not being “the one” in the first place.
You are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically. This is partially because you’re a bit of a germophobe and are terrified of contracting an STD and partially because no one person can ever meet all of your numerous emotional needs. Let’s face it, girl—you’re one high-maintenance, needy bitch. If you’re totally in love with someone, you won’t cheat at all. If your current partner is a sex machine who satisfies you like no one else can, you will only cheat emotionally. And if they can’t please you physically or emotionally, what the hell are you doing with them in the first place?
You love being in love. This is why you’re not likely to cheat unless you feel that it’s over. You cheat as a way of getting out of a relationship that you’ve decided has run its course. But wow, are you good at covering your tracks if you decide to go the cheating route. You’re like a forensic scientist in covering up clues. If it comes to “juggling” a few different boys at the same time, you’re a master at it.
You’re mostly a loyal lion, but it’s not even because you think cheating is immoral. It’s more like it’s impractical. Who needs the headache of maintaining an affair? Who needs the drama and the hair-pulling catastrophes that occur when you get caught? The temporary heaven of some thrilling covert sex is just not worth the eternal hell that follows.
You will cheat at the first sign that you’re falling in love. For you, even thinking about the “L” word makes you think about the “R” word—RUN. The thing is, you don’t fall in love very easily. You will cheat to blunt your feelings of vulnerability, to regain a sense of control and power. Or you’ll cheat if the sex starts getting boring. Ideally, you’ll have great sex and never fall in love—that’s the only way to ensure you’ll never cheat.
You are as loyal as a hound dog on a wooden porch listening to his master play guitar on a sweet summer evening, so the only reason you’d ever cheat is because you fell deeply in love with someone else and couldn’t control your heart. It’s not because you’re a slutty pig who needs endless attention and sex—like so many of the other zodiac signs on this list.