Aries
(March 21st to April 19th)
You’re always on a mission, so you hate when things get in your way. This is why you’re the Queen of Road Rage. Don’t they realize you’re supposed to meet that cute guy for lunch, and there’s no way in hell you can get there on time with all this gridlock? That’s why you start honking your horn. And when the guy in the car in front of you leaned out and gave you the finger, you got out of your car, ran right up to him, and BIT it. That’s what he gets for forcing you to wait.
Taurus
(April 20th to May 21st)
You’re an honest person, so lying and cheating make you want to grab an axe and start chopping off people’s heads. It doesn’t even have to be a big lie. She told you that she watched the entire last season of Game of Thrones. “Oh, yeah?” you asked her. “What happened on it?” That’s when she gave you that deer-in-a-headlights look because you caught her in a lie. But you wouldn’t have had to cut a bitch if she hadn’t lied to you.
Gemini
(May 22nd to June 21st)
You hate being told what to do. When they tell you to jump, you sit down. When they tell you to sit down, you jump. When they tell you to be quiet, you start screaming. When they tell you it’s time to wake up, you sleep until 2PM just for spite. You’re one angry little rebel, aren’t you?
Cancer
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
You feel like kicking someone in the groin when they take advantage of your kindness. After all, you’re a very, very, VERY nice person until someone interprets that niceness as weakness. Remember that time you lent your BFF—sorry, what you THOUGHT was your BFF—$200 just so she could meet that month’s bills? And remember when you threw that beer bottle at the mirror when you realized she spent that $200 on a new pair of shoes?
Leo
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
Teeny-tiny things can launch you into a furious frenzy. Like when he leaves the toilet seat up or installs the toilet paper in the wrong direction. Or the fact that he didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube AGAIN. Or that time you ordered your steak medium RARE, but they just gave you medium. Or the time he didn’t spend as much on your birthday card as you did on his. Or the fact that you spent an hour on your hair and you STILL can’t get that one curl under control. You are the world champion at making a mountain out of a molehill.
Virgo
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
You explode like a volcano when people don’t understand you. What the HELL is wrong with them? You patiently explain your likes and dislikes, your passions and motivations, the things that make you happy and the things that make you said, and they just stand there, mouths hanging open and acting like you speak a foreign language. It’s like talking to a wall—a wall you want to shove their heads through.
Libra
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
You are the scales, so injustice is what angers you. When people get a job advancement because they’re the boss’ kid instead of the best qualified person. When the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. When nasty people have it easy and when good people have it hard. When you don’t get everything you want in life, because what’s more unfair than that?
Scorpio
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
Nothing enrages you like being ignored. I’m just going to ignore you now to prove it…
Sagittarius
(November 23rd to December 21st)
Betrayal. Dishonesty. Back-stabbing. Gossiping. Manipulation. Double-crossing. All the scandalous things that basic bitches do as they crawl over one another like puppies in a box trying to get a sip of that milk. You’re an honest person, which is why liars make you honestly angry.
Capricorn
(December 22nd to January 20th)
Your blood boils when people don’t treat you the way you treat them. You treat them extremely well, so what the HELL are they thinking by not returning the favor? Do they think they can get away with that? If so, they must not know you very well. You will take them through the seven stages of hell, and that’s exactly what they deserve for failing to follow the Golden Rule.
Aquarius
(January 21st to February 18th)
Bad service of any kind, like when the waiter brings your meal but forgets the silverware. Or when the worker at the post office disappears into the back room and leaves you standing there for five minutes, and you wonder if they’re really back there trying to find your package or if they got distracted by Facebook on their iPhone.
Pisces
(February 19th to March 20th)
Nothing. Literally nothing makes you angry. That doesn’t mean you don’t get angry. In fact, you get angry a lot. What it means is that you get angry over nothing. No one around you can figure out why you suddenly flew off the handle. Even you can’t figure out what made you angry half the time. And that makes you even angrier. Can’t you get angry at something every once in a while? After all, everyone knows that pretending that your anger is justified is part of the joy of being angry. [tc-mark}
