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Dinner has always been my celebration of choice, whether for my birthday or anything else. Long evenings with friends, dressed up or in sweats, out or staying in with a few large pizzas. Languishing around a meal, chatting, reminiscing, wine flowing. It’s my favorite kind of evening. But I struggle now to hang onto the joy these evenings bring me; it feels distant and nostalgic, the idea of not caring, of being able to relax and just enjoy.