Um, you’re creepy? Um, you’re too old? Um, you’re too aggressive? Um, you smell like onions? Um, I think you have a boyfriend? Um, you just graduated high school? Um, I just ate a burrito and am not DTF? Um, you’re not cute? Um, I need to feel empowered by rejecting you?
The best love songs make it possible for you to feel like you’re in love for the duration of the song. Even if you’ve been single for some time, you can play the song and feel like you belong to somebody. That’s what “I Only Have Eyes For You” does for me.
And I know, guy, that you don’t get your period (although sometimes you’re as annoyingly moody as if you did), so let me lay it down for you in a way you can understand. See, blood does not spray out of a woman’s vagina in a heavy stream when she’s got her period. Her vagina is not an open tap.
I recently held back someone’s hair while they vomited for the first time and was struck by how tender it felt. Scooping their hair up and pulling it back as they do this really disgusting and vulnerable thing felt like a total bonding experience. Added bonus points if you massage the back of their neck while they heave.
These four little words, when left dangling at the end of a sentence like a cancerous limb, can result in a mental breakdown for the person on the receiving end of this inconsiderate conjunction…especially if typed via text message, IM, bbm or Facebook message.
If I have a crush on you, I will ignore you. This is stupid and I hate it but it’s what I do. I will look at you and be like, “OMG, you’re funny and cute and smart. Now, get the hell away from me!” This is a quality I have that drives me actually crazy.
If I were a girl I would cry a lot. I mean, I’m already emotional with a penis so I shudder to think what I would be like as a girl. I’d cry on my period, cry about my ex-boyfriend, cry about old best friends, cry at romantic comedies that I secretly abhorred on a feminist level.
The Traveler just so happens to always be visiting that day and is in dire need of meeting up because he’s lonely or needs someone to show him the city, (sidenote: lonely is another code word for “lets get naked.”)