Ryan O'Connell

Hey y’all! Hot Or Not is dead. It died. But in its place will be a new special video every week, starting with this little ditty about straight men and all the things they do that confuse me.

While a good relationship should cause both parties to make improvements, you can’t date a fixer-upper expecting a Persian Palace at the end of it. People only change if they want to.

You can meet the love of your life. You can meet them in a bookstore, in a coffee shop, at a party, at a bar, through friends of friends, on the Internet, whatever. The trick to finding this person though is to never resign yourself.

People with kind hearts make me feel dirty. Like I need to give my personality a bath or something. Rub it clean of my neuroses and judgments. But that’s a good thing. When someone inspires you to take a long hard look at yourself and question all of your bad habits, they’re someone worth keeping around.

I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine.

You learn that the person who once protected you from all harm could one day become the harm. They could become the thing they spent so much time shielding you from. That’s how it always seems to work though, doesn’t? We give people power over our lives, we let them dictate the rhythms, and then we act surprised when there’s scratches.

Sleep over at your friend’s house. Normally you hate sleeping in someone else’s bed but it feels right this time. You wake up next to your best friend feeling so happy you did. So much better than waking up alone or next to a one-night stand.

When I first heard this song, I thought to myself “This is so dumb. WTF?” Then I began to involuntarily move my body back and forth and before I knew it, I was dancing! “Damn you, homosexuality!” I screamed at the ceiling. “Damn you all to hell!” You know a song is really gay when, despite its idiocy, you find yourself dancing your ass off to it.

You can’t fart when you’re dating someone. Sometimes the relationship will actually just feel like one long held in fart since that’s all you’ll ever be doing. We spend 95% of our time in relationships with our butt cheeks clenched together, praying to G-O-D that one doesn’t  escape.

Someone really likes you if they sleep with your best friend. Don’t you know it just means they’re trying to get closer to you? I would suggest going up to them and being like, “I know what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can be together! You don’t have to sleep with them to get to me. I’m right here, baby!”

I’m not gonna lie. The first day was a damn nightmare. I felt woozy and had a headache. Most importantly, I WAS STARVING. I looked at all of Ritual Cleanse’s reviews on Yelp and everyone was just like “OMG, YOU NEVER GO HUNGRY! THE JUICES ARE SO FILLING!” Um, yeah right. Liar, liar, organic cotton pants on fire! If you drink nothing but juice, you’re going to be hungry.

You’re bored. All of the pieces of your life puzzle have come together except for That One. The most important one. Or maybe it just seems like the most important one because you don’t have it. No, screw it. It’s the most important one. I’m sorry, it is. Finding someone to chill out with for the rest of your life is more important than your steady job and good eating habits.

You learn a lot about people and their ability to disengage when you get your heartbroken. But I would venture to say that you learn even more when you break someone else’s heart. That’s when it all becomes clear and you’re finally able to get over that one person who stopped loving you. Because now you know the secret. Now you know how random it all is. It’s a scary truth to realize.

Wow, oh wow, isn’t it weird when someone is your everything and then becomes a nothing? Shocker. Electrocuted. To be fair, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you signed up for this whole “falling in love” business! Didn’t you read the fine print? “Thou shalt become a stranger eventually.”

I don’t mean to paint a bleak picture of humanity. Just because someone screws you over doesn’t mean the whole world is out to get you. Adopting a hard shell and a “One man is an island” attitude doesn’t do anyone favors, especially yourself.

Bad sex doesn’t become Bad Sex until you’ve actually had good sex. In fact, you could live your entire life thinking you were having the most mind-blowing sex until you meet someone who actually knows what they’re doing, and then you’re like “Oh, JK.” Sometimes good sex can be a curse though because when it gets taken away from you—and it always does — you’ll forever know its truest potential.

People try to cheat the grieving process and press fast forward. They want to show their friends and family that they’re just great, that they’re in a good place and that’s it! They beat the break up blues! The reality of the situation, however, is quite different.

Before we delve into your options, I feel like I should at least mention that you could always, you know, just say no to your friend who wants money. Just tell them you have barely any money yourself. Who cares if it’s true or not? It’s too awkward to challenge and the borrower will just let it go.