Things You Have To Stop Doing Once You Get Into A Relationship

1. Not washing your sheets

I’ll admit something I’m not terribly proud of. When I’m not sleeping with someone on the regular, I’ve been known to let my sheets game slide. “Slide” is actually a bit of an understatement. They’ve gone into Where The Wild Things Are territory. That all changes, however, when you get into a relationship with somebody. Now you have no choice but to wash them at least once a week. This shouldn’t be a struggle though. When you’re in a relationship, your sheets are stained with sex which is disgusting. But when you’re single, they’re just stained with breadcrumbs and your own tears.

2. Farting

Oh, you didn’t know this? You can’t fart when you’re dating someone. Sometimes the relationship will actually just feel like one long held in fart since that’s all you’ll ever be doing. We spend 95% of our time in relationships with our butt cheeks clenched together, praying to G-O-D that one doesn’t  escape. And if it does, you’ll spend the rest of the day locked in the bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. (Note: This rule doesn’t exactly apply to gay relationships. Since we’re always one second away from dealing with each other’s crap, farts don’t seem like a big deal by comparison.)

3. Calling your ex

You can be friends with your exes when you get into a new relationship. It’s very evolved of you and actually makes you look good in front of your new significant other. By being someone who remains on good terms with all their exes, you’re showing them that you’re not crazy. You’re a reasonable and fair person. All that being said, keep your ex at bay. Leave the ex at home. Don’t invite them over for an intimate hang out sesh on a Friday night. Don’t text them when you’re drunk. Don’t engage in a Cranberries style “Linger” hug. Just place them in your “OMG, I’m so cool for being chill with my exes!” category and just sort of leave them there.

4. Getting blackout wasted

It’s a blast to get accidental/on purpose wasted with your significant other. It feels safe and secure. You take comfort in knowing that you’re going home with someone you adore. It’s quite another thing, however, to get blackout wasted on the semi-regular and coming home to your sleeping and sober companion. In your drunken stupor, you’ll probably try to have sex with them and your BF/GF will just be like “Um, your private parts are blacked out too, babe.” The next day you don’t recall anything and your boo is pissed because they got little to no sleep. I mean, blackouts aren’t a good look for ANYONE but they’re particularly bad when it’s just yourself and you’re dealing with someone who isn’t drinking to excess. In general, it’s just a good idea to curb your binge drinking.

5. Witholding information about your relationship status from single people

If, for some reason, you want to befriend a cute single person while you’re in a relationship, it is your duty to tell them that you’re taken. It doesn’t have to be a grand declaration. You can just slip it in casually when you’re meeting them for drinks. “Oh, my boyfriend/girlfriend and I love to do that activity…” Blah, blah, blah. You get the point. Just don’t lead anyone on. It’s not fair to the single person! Yes, they probably DO assume that you might want to make out. Is that too crazy for you to fathom? When you’re single, you always live one stop away from Make Out City so you better protect yourself and your lips by being truthful! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://twitter.com/joysteeq joysteeq

    love is to forgive farting for the kiss to follow :)
    Seriously now, a relationship should be a liberating and extraordinary experience of two people sharing ordinary things including…. yes… farts :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=503195132 Hana Graham

    As a married woman who regularly farts whenever she wants (which tends to get giggles from my husband because, well, he’s male), I have to respectfully disagree. We’re also on good terms with most of our exes, and my husband even enjoys the company of my high school sweetheart so I’ll also have to disagree with 3.  Obviously there are boundaries that are not to be broken, but those seem a bit too intense for people truly in mature, adult relationships with their exes. Do these rules change once you cross the marriage threshold, or are they simply far too uptight? You should be able to be yourself and still loved for it when you’re in a (happy) relationship. Farts included. Just my 2 cents.

  • ALEXANDRIA ADAIR

    “But when you’re single, they’re just stained with breadcrumbs and your own tears.” HAHAHAH so true :(

  • KMF

    this is so false.

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      so, so false

  • Svenry

    If you can’t fart in your relationship, your relationship is already over. 

    Seriously, wtf?

    • fart-astic

      agreed. i remember well the first day i farted in front of my current bf.  we were making smores by a fire put we’d constructed on his parents farm. it was a crisp early october sunday night and the coyotes were howling as we drank moonshine.  his head was in my lap and a blanket was over my lap…and then i farted.  i had no choice but to admit to it and he gave me shit about it. but, damn, it was the most liberating moment of our relationship.  now we fart and joke about it all the time.  in fact, we are such a great, gassy pair that he asked me to move in with him 6 months after the first, fatal fart.

  • Sammy G

    Right, I’m going to go wash my sheets. Good call, O’Connell.

  • MethLabForCutie

    My last relationship lasted nearly 8 years. It was rocky as hell and it
    took BOTH of us five years to fart. My current one is going on about 6
    months, we farted within the first one or two months-and he proposed to
    me shortly after the first bomb was dropped-we’re sickeningly cute and
    happy. I’ve even heard him on the phone bragging to a friend that “She
    has these huge awesome farts that you wouldnt expect from a small hot
    girl, IT’S GREAT” so yeah..I dont know about you all, but having great
    farts has changed my life.

    “It’s the faht game son, you’ll play one day”

  • stella

    ew how about no farting in front of other people ever. same with burping. come on, be civilized. 

    • Jessie

      Stella, better out than in, that’s what I always say!

  • Liz

    The farting bit is totally applicable in the early stages where it’s the I-think-this-relationship-might-have-some-longevity, but it’s still uncertain phase. Like, you think this person and you are totally meant to be, but at the same time you may find out something weird tomorrow that causes You to question ever thinking that. I’d say the first two months or so. Then, once you get over that hump, farts away (if you must)!

    • 802

      I’ve had two 3-year relationships in which I’d never heard either boyfriend fart. Except maybe once in their sleep or something, but I don’t think that counts…

  • Adam Slovinsky

    Lol love how the farts paragraph made such a large impact

  • S0sJAHs0S

    Sigh the farting thing…I’m a girl who grew up with all sisters and I DON’T CARE about farts, mine or my boyfriends! I wish there wasn’t this DADT fart policy in my 4 year relationship but he is of the male mind that pretty girls don’t poop or poot. We need an intervention… Maybe I’ll just start announcing my gas. 

  • nancy

    so many fart comments

  • http://twitter.com/gypzAndy AndreaCarmona

    These are so obvious, yet I feel like I need to be reminded of all this every time during a relationship.

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