Thought Catalog

Why It’s Okay To Go Completely Insane After A Break Up

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Have you recently been dumped? If so, I sincerely apologize. That must be really hard for you and I wish you the best! But I also want you to know that you’re insane right now. No, I mean I love you, but you’re in a crazed state. I know you’re saying the words “I’m fine! I’m over it! I’ve already healed!” but we all know that’s a lie. You’re silently losing it every second of every day.

The interesting thing about break ups is that people like to sometimes pretend they’re no big deal. They entitle themselves to a few days of grieving but then, when they realize that break ups are an implicit race of who gets over it first, they try to go through the grieving process at 150 MPH. That’s when they start feeding their friends lies like, “Yeah, I was upset for awhile (openly for five days) but I’m not lying when I say that I’m over it. Like everything’s fine. There’s no ill will!” Meanwhile, you watch them continually try to steer the conversation back to their ex, which proves that they’re the only thing on their minds, and make constant digs at their character. I mean, I just don’t get it. When did it become so taboo to admit that things sucked and you weren’t over someone? What’s so shameful about that? What’s so crazy about saying, “I can’t stop thinking about them. It’s all I’ve been able to do and it’s driving me nuts!”? Oh my god, you have feelings? Sick.

People try to cheat the grieving process and press fast forward. They want to show their friends and family that they’re just great, that they’re in a good place and that’s it! They beat the break up blues! The reality of the situation, however, is quite different. By not allowing yourself to be crazy after a break up, you actually become even more crazy. Oh, the irony! The people who never allow themselves to openly grieve are the ones who actually never get over anything. In their attempt to finish first in the break up race, they always end up finishing last.

I get why someone will pretend that they’re okay after the dissolution after a break up. It’s not easy for many people to show vulnerability, to allow themselves to show hurt. And I also think a lot of people are able to believe in their own lies, which is something I’ve never been able to do and I’m even a little envious of. But it’s always a bad idea. It never works out. You just end up feeling miserable and crazy in secret, which is the absolute worst. If you ever truly want to get over an ex, you have to commit to crazy for a little bit. You have to commit to going on the emotional rollercoaster and not get off of it until you’re good and ready. Try telling your friends the truth when they ask how you’re doing. Trust me, they’ll appreciate it. It feels terrible when your BFF is clearly hurting and they’re telling you that everything is great. Quite frankly, it’s insulting.

So go ahead. Be crazy after a break up. In the end, it’s the only way you’ll be able to be sane again. Isn’t that funny? Ha. Ha. Ha. TC mark

image – Girl Interrupted
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  • Taylor

    Exactly what I needed to hear right now.

  • Nathan Leohner

    Jesus Christ, why so serious? But no: I totally agree. But there is a threshold on how much other people can take of your bitching. It’s a lonely trek back to sanity.

  • Yaa Yaa

    Wow! I wholeheartedly agree with this article. You ARE crazy after a breakup and if you’re not crazy, then something is utterly wrong. You either (a) don’t have a heart or (b) never cared about them anyway. And it IS okay to be vulnerable to let people know how you’re really doing. It’s okay to cry. The whole “race” that you speak of is actually in our minds. You never know what your friend who appears okay in public is really doing when she goes home at night. Thank you for this post.

  • P.Anh

    drastically true :D

  • Anonymous

    Nice article…in theory. In reality, no one wants to hear how much you’re hurting. Not really. Especially if you still care for the Ex.  No one wants to judge or “pick sides” on who was right or wrong. Or which person they’re still going to be friends with. They just want their little circle to go back to normal. And when you’re not over it yet, they wonder why you can’t just move on.

    • bell

      maybe your circle of friends behaves in such a way, but beyond that, that’s hardly an accurate statement to be making.


    omg so well written

  • mitch

    this is just…amazing.

  • macgyver51

    So yesterday saying I love you isn’t that big a deal, but today go crazy insane when you break up? I’m not going to take the time to explain it, but there’s a strong correlation there and it explains much.

  • Wastro

    Been there, done that, grew a beard.

    Great post.

  • Anonymous

    I agree…but how long is too long to stay crazy?

    • Alias Grace

      Don’t worry, your friends will let you know when enough is enough.

      • Archita Trisal

        They tell you TWO days is enough :|

      • noosiekins

        true… or when they slap you and tell you to quite it.

  • Sophia

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this.

  • Alina D.

    Yes, it’s ok to go insane and admit it, but sometimes friends can’t do very much for your healing.

  • Linda

    it’s more a pride thing, especially when you’re the one who got dumped. and sometimes, pretending your okay actually forces yourself to be okay, and when you don’t wallow for so long you actually start to feel genuinely ok. 

  • Vicky Nguyen

    Break ups are hard; don’t let Cosmo sugarcoat that shit with 10 Steps On How To Get Over Your Ex (Who Couldn’t Get You To Come Anyway) ( LoL).

    However, I think for a lot of us, pretending that you’re fine is more of an innate urge to not present yourself as a burden to your friends and family. When you’ve been dating someone for a long time, and that relationship ends, it doesn’t feel like you’re the only one who’s been dumped. If your close ones are close to your ex-significant other, then it also feels like they felt the break up as much as you did. So in an effort to be less of a watery-moaning-groaning-unsexy-burden, you pretend you’re fine because although it sucks to fake it till you make it, it’d suck a lot more to know that you’re being a wet blanket on your loved ones.

  • Asmond Chew

    change your hair drastically! thats a good one. 

  • Archita Trisal

    Sometimes it’s better to pretend like you’re ok because the more you talk about it or act like it the more you think about them and it just gets even harder to move on. I am actually grateful that my friends refuse to listen to me in my wallow-state beyond a certain point.

    The natural insanity when channelized towards recreational activities is the best thing that can come out of a breakup. Whether you gym harder to channelize the anger, go trekking with friends to get out of your comfort zone, or (like me) start learning the piano to distract myself and indulge in something I wanted to do for so long, it’s all about how you use the negative energy and turn it into a positive :)

  • Alkaline Suicide

    It all does make a lot of sense. However, I did the 5 days of crazy, and then I convinced myself to be okay. And I’m pretty sure that worked. And no one has had to deal with “lunatic Alkaline” (except maybe the cats) and life really is going on as it does.

    Sooo… I’ll let you know if the insanity catches up to me.

  • Vasiliki Lampris

    I was dumped 2 days ago and it was the 4th time that guy did that to me. Yes,it sucks. And no, Im not ok. I have a lot of feelings  for this guy,and it will take some time before things get back to normal. Some times admitting your own feelings is really hard,but its probably the best thing you can do. Sleeping around with anyone,or drinkin or acting like t he silliest version of your own self  wont help much. Take some time, grief, be sad, allow to yourself to expirience all those feelings you try to hide. Do some wacky staff, visit your hairdresser, cry over a friend’s shoulder. Act like you are in a 90’s movie. You eventually be fine.
    great job ryan,love you :)

    happy holidays everyone!

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    […] a painful break-up, let me first tell you something that you need to hear: you aren’t crazy. So remove that word from your vocabulary. I don’t care what your ex said. I don’t care what your friends said. And […]

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