Ryan O'Connell

Oh, you’re going to just tell your crush how you really feel about them? You’re just going to do that and ignore my advice, which was don’t text them back for two days and avoid exclamation points?

The Internet will hurt your feelings. You will find out information you wish you never knew and maybe you’ll go so far as to even cry! Imagine that: a machine you spent over a grand on is making you weep.

We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us.

You’ll go anywhere if there’s free food or drinks being offered. Unlike your other friends, you have no standards.

Speaking of relationships, you should get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, silly! What’ve you been doing all of this time being single and alone?!! Obviously your life’s boring. You have no one to share it with, LOL!

The fact that they’re not wasted. “I’m not drunk. Why? Do I seem like it? Am I being totally embarrassing? Answer me!!!!!”

The creepy right-wing vibes notwithstanding, the actual plot of Twilight is downright bizarre. If aliens came down to Earth and found out we were obsessed with this franchise, they’d be like, “JK, we’re leaving. You guys are freaks.”

You’re getting a vision again. Darn it! You know how the kid in The Sixth Sense could see dead people? Well, you have that too, except instead of dead people, you can see dead relationships.

Depressed people like to be as minimalist as possible on Facebook. They post sparingly and it’s usually only #dark quotes from poems or photos of Morrissey. Their profile pictures are all abstract pictures of nothingness, except for one that’s of their face, and even then it’s obscured by a hoodie.

You compose a text that’s talking crap on someone and accidentally send it to the person you’re trashing. Seriously, is there a more terrifying scenario out there for 20-somethings, other than perhaps talking on the phone?

XXXtina’s music usually makes me cry tears of terror rather than genuine emotion but for her famous self-love anthem “Beautiful”, she actually manages to make a positive mark on my feelings.

I’m going to have my dream job and take meetings with people at chic places like Jamba Juice! Being in your twenties is about living out your dreams!!! Everyone finds success.

Because you’re single and need to pay for a gym membership and buy the right pair of jeans that makes your ass look good so you can increase your chances of someone finding you attractive.

Remember when Taylor bought the house across the street from the Kennedy’s just so she could be closer to Conor? This was, like after a MONTH of dating him. She just went and bought a house so she could be his next door neighbor. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT LOGIC?

Get some of Rachel Zoe’s horse tranquilizer pills that she used to feed Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton back in the day. It’s not FDA-approved but it has been approved by society!

One of my favorite things to do back in the day was burn a ton of incense, blast annoying riot grrrl music and run around in an XL shirt/nightgown. I can’t do that with a roommate. They’d tell me to turn the music down and stop stinking up the place with hippie smells so seize the day! No one is around to judge you.

It can actually be really nice when you’re friends with someone who is completely removed from your social circle. That means they’re unbiased and not involved in any of your complicated relationships. Your friendship exists entirely on its own as this little welcome treat. It’s basically the friendship equivalent of a mistress except you’re not actually doing anything wrong.

Everywhere you go, you’d have to worry about getting recognized. Today it took me like an hour to get dressed and I still somehow managed to walk out the door wearing a muuu muu. As I walked the three blocks to my coffee shop, I just hoped and prayed I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew and have to explain why I was dressed like an overweight art teacher at a community college.