1. You wave back at a stranger who you believe is waving at you. You don’t think you know them but you don’t want to risk looking like an asshole so you return the wave as some sort of social nicety insurance. It turns out that your initial instinct is right — the person is a complete random and is actually beckoning for someone else, leaving you to look like a friendless psycho. Just put that hand down immediately and run for the nearest exit.
2. You’re walking down the street in a daze and a friend stops you to say hello. You weren’t expecting to be approached so their touch startles you, making you gasp audibly like you’re about to be mugged. Your friend is offended by your terrified reaction and is just like, “Um, hey. Are you okay?” Tip: Asking someone if they’re okay is a surefire way to make them feel crazy.
3. You compose a text that’s talking crap on someone and accidentally send it to the person you’re trashing. Seriously, is there a more terrifying scenario out there for 20-somethings, other than perhaps talking on the phone? When I’m talking crap, I will sometimes check my phone to make sure it doesn’t accidentally call up the person I’m complaining about. In this digital information age, you have to protect yourself!
4. You go to someone’s birthday party who you don’t know very well and when the birthday boy/girl comes up to you to say hello, you mistake them for a stranger and tell them, “Hi. Nice to meet you! What’s your name?” They respond, “Um, I’m the person whose birthday it is…” (Am I the only person this has ever happened to you? Yes? Okay, moving on then.)
5. You have a late night binge-eating session and the next day your roommate sees the Apocalypse Now damage that’s been done. “Babe,” your roommate says, sounding genuinely concerned. “Did you really eat all of that food last night? No judgment…”
6. You get rejected by someone you didn’t even like. This isn’t so much embarrassing as it is DEVASTATING for your ego. “Screw you! You can’t reject me because I’ve already rejected you!” Yeah, somehow it doesn’t really work that way.
7. You leave a one night stand and can’t figure out how to leave their apartment complex because the gate requires a code or something. You can’t open it so you’re basically trapped inside until a tenant leaves and opens the gate for you. (This happened to me once at 5 a.m. in the middle of winter. By the time someone finally came to let me out, I looked like Jack in the last shot of The Shining.)
8. Someone asks you when the baby is due when there actually is no baby inside of you. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? Don’t assume pregnancy ever, you idiots! I don’t care if a woman is walking around with a descended belly while carrying a Lamaze pamphlet. She still might not be pregnant!
9. When you get to be on a first name basis with the people who work at Chipotle.
10. Vomiting in front of a stranger will always buy you a one-way-ticket to a shame spiral. In their mind, you will always be known as That Random Person Who Puked.
11. You eat shit in a giant public space and strangers rush over to you like you’ve just been shot. Don’t they know that their concern only makes it worse? They need to just let you grieve in private!
12. A good friend sees your Google history. “Hon, why were you Googling “how do you know if you’re pregnant” and “where to get an abortion” last night? Do you need to tell me something?’
13. A glitch occurs on Facebook and all of a sudden everyone knows who you lurked last summer/ last night/ two minutes ago.