1. Their undying love for one another. A drunken night out isn’t complete until someone is tearing up and showering their friend with accolades. “No, but like, you are my best friend and I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk. I really do love you.” If you need to preface something with “and I’m not just saying this ’cause I’m wasted,” chances are you’re just saying it ’cause you’re wasted.
2. Themselves. Alcohol really brings out the narcissist in some people. If you give them as little as two drinks, they’ll corner you in the bar and tell you the same story about their life over and over again. They’re drunk repeaters. They tell you something, forget about it, and then proceed to tell you again, which often feels like a form of Chinese water torture. Finally, you just have to stop them and be like, “You’ve told me about this fight you had with your BF five times in the past twenty minutes. Please let me go free!”
3. Their astrological signs. “The way you just barfed into the toilet just now REALLY indicates to me that you’re a Scorpio. Am I right?”
4. The fact that they’re not wasted. “I’m not drunk. Why? Do I seem like it? Am I being totally embarrassing? Answer me!!!!!”
5. Drugs. Beginning of the night: “I’m pretty much straightedge. I only drink and occasionally smoke pot.” End of the night: “So I heard you guys were getting coke? I don’t mean to sound sketchy or anything but I could throw down for a line or two.”
6. Their fucked-up childhoods. It seems like people are always just one cocktail away from telling you how their parents ruined their lives. “I know I just met you but I really need to tell you about my insane mother. Hope you don’t mind. Verbal vomit is better than actual vomit, right? LOL! …Hello?”
7. The last time they got drunk. People always tell you it’s been sooooo long since they’ve been wasted but when they really think about it, it’s usually only been six days.
8. A detailed account of their sexual history. Watch out for the most demure person in the group. By the end of the night, they’ll most likely be talking about all of the threesomes they’ve had and how they don’t mind anal all that much.
9. How terrible everyone is. People like to talk shit, especially when they’re inebriated, because there’s no censor. Bonus points are given if the person you’re talking crap about is five feet away from you. “OMG, do you think she heard me?” The answer is always, “Yes, yes she did.”
10. Their exes. We’ve all been there with this one, telling a near-stranger ALL about your past relationship because your friends are already sick of hearing about it. When you’ve just gotten dumped, you subconsciously look for new people just so you can rape their ears with details about your ex that they could care less about. It’s a gross compulsion but hopefully only a temporary detour from your regular personality.
11. How much they hate their job. Go to happy hour any place around the world and you can find someone slumped over in a corner, clutching a glass of wine, and talking shit about their boss.
12. Admitting all the things they know about someone via lurking their Facebook and Twitter. “I need to stop you here and tell you that I already knew that you had a new job and switched apartments because I check your Facebook fairly often. Does that make me a creep? I’m sorry!” Being drunk basically turns you into a paranoid, honest person.
13. The last time they had sex. Honestly.