How to be Drunk

Have a good day or a very bad day. Maybe even just a boring day. Drink two glasses of wine at 9 p.m.

Feel a little buzzed, a little warm, and realize the night could go either way. You could have your buzz fade and be sober and normal again. You’d go to bed at a reasonable hour and wake up feeling rested thinking to yourself, “I’m glad I didn’t decide to get drunk last night. I would feel like shit right now.” Or you could continue drinking, go to some bar and spend the next day hungover in bed ordering Pad Thai and watching movies on Netflix Watch Instantly. You choose the latter. Obviously.

Get pumped. Put on a playlist that’s titled, “dance y’know like whatever” and change into a stylish outfit. A temporary wave of excitement comes over you when a Salt N’ Pepa song comes on and you become fully committed to the idea of raging.

Invite your friend over—the one who’s a borderline alcoholic and makes you look better by comparison—to pre-game at your apartment. After splitting a bottle of wine, think about where you want to go and then remember that an acquaintance of yours is having a birthday party at some dive bar. You already said “Maybe attending” on the Facebook invite, which usually means “I’d rather eat glass!”, but decide to make a cameo anyway. “Tonight is going to be a shitshow!”, your friend tells you between gulps from a mysterious new glass of wine. Ask them where they got more alcohol and they’ll respond, “Oh, I brought my own bottle. I mean, have you met me?!” At this moment, flashback to a night when this friend got so drunk, they told you their dark childhood secrets in front of a taco truck at four in the morning. Begin to question your decision to party with them.

Leave your apartment inebriated and feeling good. Everything always seems so promising during the walk from your apartment to the first bar, doesn’t it? No one has gotten too drunk yet, avoided your texts or started a fight. For a moment, the night feels full of possibilities and that’s what keeps you drinking and moving. The possibility that you could meet someone great, attend an amazing gathering or even just get laid is more powerful than any mistake you could potentially make or any hangover you could endure. It’s what compels you to poison your body with foul tasting-liquid, act like a slightly retarded person for a few hours and maybe ingest 1,000 calories before bed. Possibility. Ding ding ding! Now that we’ve identified the reason why everyone gets wasted, can we get possibility arrested?

Go to the dive bar and embrace your drunk birthday friend. They’re already slumped over the bar and have an expression on their face that seems to convey both sadness and elation. They’ll slur their words, grab your arm and say, ” I just want to you know how happy I am that you’re here. I know we’re not really close, but I fucking love you. You know?” You kind of know because you’re drunk too, but you’re not on your friend’s level yet so you don’t really know. Imagine this friend three hours from now when they’ll be puking all over their nice birthday outfit. They won’t even have had their cake yet and all of their friends will be FREAKING. OUT. Someone who’s only medium-drunk will have to take them home and leave them on their bed half-naked with Doritos in their hair. The next morning, they’ll wake up and as soon as the light hits their eyes, they’ll know what happened. Birthday bust.

Get the image out of your head and order a vodka soda at the bar. When it comes, drink it very fast and order another one. Feel your body start to get heavy and begin to move without an ounce of grace. Experience the following emotions: Happy. Annoyed. Happy. Drunk. Hungry. Horny. Happy.

Spot a girl you sort of know and head towards her. Become hyper-aware of your intoxication and feel self-conscious. Don’t act drunk! Drink a lot. Want another drink? Get it! But don’t ever appear to be drunk! That would be unseemly and gross.

Go over to this girl and talk about the things that connect you both. Speak slowly, but casually and use the occasional big word. Become engrossed in the conversation. If you’re a straight male/lesbian, this is the part of the how-to where you attempt to get laid. So go ahead! Do it!

{five minutes pass}

Are you done? OK. Moving on. The booze has tricked you into having a bond with this girl. You’re writing down numbers, promising to hang out. By the time you leave the bar, try to believe you have a new best friend (or conquest). Walk home alone completely blotto. Realize you forgot to tell your borderline alcoholic friend you were leaving, but be too drunk to care. Your body is swaying back and forth now. Drunk dial a friend you grew up with and tell them about your night. They’ll laugh and say, “You’re so drunk right now, aren’t you?!” Get defensive and say “No!”, but then sheepishly admit it. Spot a 24-hour deli and and hang up the phone. Stumble in and order baked ziti. Yes. Baked ziti. That’s a great idea! Take it home with you. Slam your door closed. Undress quickly as if you’re suddenly allergic to your clothes. Wolf down your food while checking Facebook. Write on people’s walls. Make a weird status update that just says “drunk ziti.” Drink some water in a futile attempt to curb the hangover that awaits you in the morning. Have head hit pillow like a brick. Forget to turn off the light. You’re done.

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