1. You have an active social life. Sorry, but leaving your apartment will almost always result in you spending money. Why is this surprising? That’s why most socialites are rich. Because it costs money to go out to dinner, go to a bar, spend enough money to get drunk, and take a cab home. You know what doesn’t cost any money though? Staying home and feeling things. Emotions are always free!
2. You pay five dollars for a coffee every single day because you don’t “do” drip and you need your coffee beans to always be fair-trade organic orgasmic.
3. You don’t drink at home. Or you know what? You drink period. Every “broke” person I know always miraculously has enough money to drink. They’ll be telling me about their dire financial situation at the bar as they order their fifth drink, “It’s really bad, sweetie. Like, I seriously don’t know how I’m going to make it till my next paycheck. (TO THE BARTENDER) I’ll take another shot. No, not Jim Beam, ew. Makers! So, anyway, I’m totally going to apply to food stamps tomorrow…”
4. Online shopping. It’s the sole reason why some of my friends haven’t moved out of their parents house yet.
5. You have an iPhone. I don’t care if you were eligible for an upgrade. It still cost you a pretty penny. Everyone has an iPhone these days. My ten-year-old brother has one. I’ve seen the homeless person down my block holding one up to his ear. When did a $500 phone become a necessary expense? My cell phone costs ten dollars! Granted, it’s a piece of crap that can’t do anything besides text and take phone calls, but…
6. You suffer from amnesia. On payday, you always go buck wild and forget that you will actually need to eat and live the last week before your next paycheck. For some reason, that doesn’t register in your mind. You are strictly living and spending for today. Does a small part of you think you’re going to die before you receive your next paycheck and, thus, relieve you from the sheer cost of living? Is that why you just spent $20 on granola? Because you think you’re going to DIE?
7. You still say “yes” to attending birthday dinners. You fool.
8. BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN AMERICA AND YOU’RE A CONSUMER AND YOU’RE IN CREDIT CARD DEBT BECAUSE YOU HAD TO BUY NEW WORK PANTS AT H & M.
9. Because you’re in a relationship and loving someone is expensive.
10. Because you’re single and need to pay for a gym membership and buy the right pair of jeans that makes your ass look good so you can increase your chances of someone finding you attractive.
11. You live in New York. Go live anywhere else and live like a king, why don’t you?! People who live here don’t get to complain about being broke. We revoked that right the second we paid a brokers fee.
12. Your student loans prevent you from ever not being on the verge of financial ruin.
13. You’re a girl. Girls have to spend so much money on things that men don’t like make up or tampons. It blows my mind that tampons cost money. Like, I’m sorry I was born a woman and, thus, have to bleed once a month. Really, truly sorry. But it’s not my fault so why are you making me give you money? Women should be paid money to endure periods, not the other way around.
14. You’re unemployed and a mysterious benefactor is not paying you to live comfortably. SHOCKER.
15. You go to the movies. Stop that. Stop living so luxuriously. If I see someone at the movies, I automatically assume they’re a millionaire.