1. Type the words “I’m going to lose weight!” Did you feel that? That was the sound of a pound being magically lifted off your body. It’s really that easy, hon!
2. According to Jennifer Aniston, the secret to losing weight is vitamin E exposure and smiling a whole lot. So there you go. Go smile manically in the sun for thirty minutes a day and emerge with a hot new body. If you don’t live somewhere with a warm climate, seriously consider moving.
3. Looking at pictures of your ex who got fat burns 60 calories per click. It’s scientifically proven.
4. Looking at kale and saying “I have a gluten allergy” to a mirror three times a day burns, like five Carnie Wilsons a minute.
5. Live in Los Angeles or New York and see how much you still want that extra slice of pizza.
6. Cry. Like the violent kind. If it’s just a little sniffly and quiet tears, it’s not going to do anything. In the words of Cher Horowitz, “I doubt you’ll have worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.” But if you start sobbing so hard that you’re hiccuping, you’ll start to feel the burn. Hiccuping is always good for weight loss.
7. Find a time machine and go back to being 14 years old. No tits, no ass, no problem!
8. Stand in front of a gym with a bottle of wine and some Twizzlers and just watch the people work out. Eat and drink in front of them. Then, using some form of black magic you can learn just by watching The Craft, steal the calories they’re burning and transfer it on to you. When you do this, it’s best to rotate at different gyms. People are going to be suspicious as to why they’re not losing weight and you don’t want them to find out it was because of your black magic!
9. Have someone look at an old picture of you and say, “Wow. You look so skinny here!” Um, does that mean you’re no longer skinny? Don’t answer that.
10. Get some of Rachel Zoe’s horse tranquilizer pills that she used to feed Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton back in the day. It’s not FDA-approved but it has been approved by society!
11. Tell people you’re on a health kick even if, in fact, you’re actually knee-deep in eggplant parmigiana. Your body will register your mind’s good intentions and start automatically shedding the pounds for you. Your body is so sweet like that. It really steps up to the plate when it has to.
12. Do whatever Janet Jackson is doing. That woman has been gaining and losing a hundred pounds seemingly overnight. Sounds healthy to me!
13. Secret it. All good things come to those who Secret. When in doubt, create a mood board and stick post-its to your bathroom mirror that are full of positive affirmations. The weight will just start to fall off. Literally. A pound of your fat will drip on to the floor of an American Apparel and you’ll have to clean it up. Don’t complain. Just bring a Swiffer with you wherever you go. Secreting is not a perfect system yet — there’s definitely some kinks to still work out — but it gets the job done.
14. Hate yourself. Self-loathing burns a ton of calories but it can also make you gain very quickly so be very selective in choosing the things you’d like to hate about yourself.
15. Delete Facebook. The second you do that, you’ll be so skinny that you’ll be able to fit into most things at The Container Store.
16. Live on a Walden pond with no internet access or social interaction. This won’t help you lose weight, per se, but you might stop hating your body since you have nothing else to compare it to.
17. If none of these things work, you could try eating sensibly and working out but, like, that’s really hard. Don’t do that. People will think you have an eating disorder or something.