1. Call them
I really don’t understand how “Call Me Maybe” ended up being such a hit song, considering everyone is deathly afraid of using the phone. We scream bloody murder every time our phone rings, sometimes even going so far as to smash it against the wall, and now we have some Canadian pop singer encouraging us to go up to a STRANGER (“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…”) and tell them to call us, like on their phone? Is this bitch INSANE? She’s clearly what they call a stage five clinger. I actually am experiencing so much second-hand embarrassment for Carly Rae Jepsen right now. I can’t believe she told someone to call her and then made a song about it. WOW. Very brave lady albeit sorely misguided. Have fun being single forever, I guess. Clearly you don’t know that calling someone is a major no-no, punishable to up to ten years of celibacy. You only call someone if a friend or family member has died and even then, you could still just text it. “Sarah died. I’ll text you later about it though. I’m in a movie right now.”
2. Stop by your crush’s house
What is this, an episode of Dawson’s Creek, you freaking psycho? If someone pulled up to my house in a rowboat, I’d take out my shotgun and tell them to keep rowing. These days, it’s unheard of for someone to just stop by your house. Hell, when I have concrete plans to visit a friend’s apartment, I’m still texting them being like, “Okay, leaving the house now.” Okay, be there in ten. Okay, almost there. I’m ringing the buzzer. Did you hear it? I’m going to knock on your door now.”
3. Tell them how you really feel
Oh, you’re going to just tell your crush how you really feel about them? You’re just going to do that and ignore my advice, which was don’t text them back for two days and avoid exclamation points? I swear, if you take those suggestions, you’ll be married within a year but okay. Do what you want. Be honest. He’s going to think you’re crazy though.
4. Write them an email
Back in the day, people used to write each other love notes using quills and shit but today even sending an off-the-cuff email is considered intimate. I mean, you COULD write your crush an email but then they would know that you were in love with them and actually try to date you. Is that what you want? For a relationship to actually happen or do you just want to keep obsessing from a distance? Yeah, that’s what I thought. X out of the Gmail tab.
5. Talk to them face to face
When you see your crush in public, you’re supposed to scream and run back to your house to check their Facebook for the next five hours. Duh. Also, don’t even think of Facebook chatting with them. Facebook chat is the lowest form of communication. The only people who do it are your best friend from the third grade and your aunt. Sending smoke signals would be cooler.