Rachel Hodin

1. Bathe Yourself In Baby Powder

My friend used to put “petroleum transfer specialist at British Petroleum” on his resume. In reality, he pumped gas at an BP gas station.

Because it really is the flower headband that draws you in first, don’t you think? That, or the twinkle in their gold Tory Burch pendant.

Mojo no mas…

I set my molesters house on fire.

Exercise restraint

30. Snoop Dogg went to school with Cameron Diaz and sold her marijuana at the time.

I traded a shoe for a bowling pin and the secret knowledge of how to get into the goblin kingdom.

Was that you, Sam Goudie, who visited me in my nightmare last night? Cloaked in a black veil, you called yourself death. When I asked to see your face you de-robed yourself, projectile vomited on me, and screamed “YOLO Bitchez”.

You have to feel bad for this person, as much as their tweet or status update makes you want to thrust a rusty nail into your cornea.

One time I farted on an ex-boyfriend’s head, and it was awesome.

6. Are we human or are we Franco?