(And by “proven” I mean extremely dubious)
1. Bathe Yourself In Baby Powder
I discovered this gold mine while I was working in retail. I used to sneak into the dressing rooms with the sample bottle of the dry shampoo the store sold and douse my hair in that stuff. But the anxiety of snatching the sample when no managers were looking my way, coupled with the actual fetid odor of the stuff, compelled me to look for an alternative. And I’m so thankful that it did. Because not only is baby powder cheaper than dry shampoo, but the consistency is also softer and doesn’t make your hair feel like it’s growing out of a horse’s ass.
2. Smoke A Joint In Bed
This works wonders for your larynx. And on the slight chance that my drug dealer embellished a tad just to swindle another $50 out of me, this has another, undeniable perk. Blaze your face in bed and you’re guaranteed to pass out and have a full night of beauty sleep.
3. Color In Your Eyebrows
And use just about anything to do it too. Just make sure it’s a vaguely beige-ish color. You’ll look better. Trust me. This should go without saying that this DOES NOT APPLY TO MEN.
4. Fill Your Shoes With Baby Powder
Am I the only one who gets a perverse pleasure from wearing shoes without socks? Every time I do it I think to myself how lucky I am to have been able to move out of my parents’ house (sorry mom. sorry dad.) and how satisfying this feels knowing that it vexes my mother to her core. But then I kick off my shoes at the end of the day, and I’m suddenly not as satisfied. Particularly because I got a whiff of that sharp, trash-scented odor that comes with being sock-less and sweaty for a full day. Plus, my boyfriend just ran out of my house screaming and in tears.
So, to avoid that funky smell, pour a heap of baby powder in your shoes before putting them on in the morning. Incidentally, this is also a very useful tool for people with short-term memory. For the remainder of the day, walk anywhere barefoot, and you’ll be able to trace your steps.
5. Make Hot Tea; Hover Under Face
And voila! Your own private steam room.
6. Put On Mascara, Then Cry
But like, don’t cry too much. Seriously…stop. You’re ruining it.
7. Sleep With Makeup On
For that same effortlessly sexy/bad-ass look, lay on the eye makeup and never wash it off. Instead, just keep re-applying every day. The first morning you might wake up with puffy eyes and a slight skin irritation. And I won’t lie to you; the second morning, you will probably wake up with an infected, bulging stye. Don’t let this deter you. You must persevere. You know how people say some addictions have to first get worse to get better? Well same rule applies to your face.
8. Wash Hair With Bottled Water
This pertains to those who live in places with notoriously bad tap water. I spent my four years of college in Washington D.C., which is infamous for its chlorine-laden tap water. I had a teacher once tell me that not even filtered D.C. water is safe to drink. And so, real talk? It did quite a number on my already-lifeless hair. So I started doing something really gratuitous, excessive, and just overall obnoxious: I started putting one bottled water in the microwave for thirty seconds before every shower, and then, at the end of the shower, rinsing my hair out one last time with that bottled water. Sure, it’s grossly eco-unfriendly, but your hair will feel as silky as the Queen of England’s bedding. And isn’t that all that really matter?
9. Grow Out Toe Nail Polish
Yeah, you heard me right. Grow. It. Out. As in, keep snipping away at those pesky toenails, without reapplying polish, until the polish has grown out. Like growing out your roots, except much more revolting. Not so much a beauty trick as it is just really fun to do. Don’t ask me why.
10. Blow-Dry Hair; Twist Into Bun
As I mentioned above, my hair has as much body as this man:
That is to say…very little. Call me politically incorrect, but I am honestly just trying to paint a genuine picture of what my hair looks like. Thankfully, I have found a remedy: shower, flip hair upside down and blow-dry, then twist into a bun. Give it no less than five hours, then let your hair down.
11. Hold back tears
I realize my advice could come off as contradictory seeing as I just told you to cry, but that was with mascara—crucial difference. Ideally, and when you’re not wearing mascara, you’ll be able to stifle any and all tears because a) you don’t want to be the boy who cried…well, just cried, because then you won’t be able to use your tears for leverage. And b) crying messes up your face. Obviously this is not fair, but neither is life.
12. Put Icepacks On Eyes
But since stifling tears is NEVER easy, here’s what to do if you do cry: load up on the ice. Side-note: this only applies for tears that don’t surpass 15 minutes. I have yet to figure out a remedy for the disfigured face that emerges post hour-long tear-fest.
13. Wash Armpits With Hand Soap
Hey, you know those times when you’re out and you’re like, “Who is the foul-smelling dude that’s been trailing my every move?” And then you realize that dude is actually you/your armpits? Yeah, always a fun time. Well in that case you shouldn’t fret, but rather just go to the bathroom, put hand soap on a square of toilet paper, and scrub both your armpits and the armpit area of your shirt.
14. Eat Nutella In Bed And Don’t Brush
If you eat Nutella in bed and then fall asleep without brushing your teeth, little particles of Nutella will lodge into your cavities, leaving you an entire night to joyously tongue your teeth and taste little bits of heaven. This will inevitably imbue your dreams with fantastical, Willy Wonka-type images of you wading through chocolate lagoons, causing you to wake up with a rejuvenated glow that comes after a majestically calming dream.
15. Drink Heavily
The key here is “heavily.” If you drink only a little, you’ll probably feel a slight, brief buzz and then fall into an irritated temperament for the remainder of the night. But drink a lot, and you’ll get this sexy, glazed-over, IDGAF look. Your eyes will look brighter, your cheeks blushier, and you’ll carry yourself with the ease and nonchalance of a sleepwalker.
16. If Shower-less For Foreseeable Future: Utilize Hair Oil
So, your shower-less days are about to hit the 5-day mark, and you’ve just been informed that the hot water will be off in your building for the next 24-hours. Well, lucky for you, Gucci’s Fall 2013 campaign happened and popularized the shit out of the “wet hair” look. Exhibit A:
Just make sure to spread the oil throughout the entirety of your hair, and slick it back Alec Baldwin style.
17. Fish Oil Pills
Take them. You’ll burp up sardine-smelling farts, but who cares! You got dat glow.
18. Drink Coconut Water
After drinking an inordinate amount of coconut water, I have deduced that it does not do shit to your complexion. What I HAVE found, however, is if you drink enough coconut water, then you’ll have to go pee-pee more than usual. ERGO, more runs to the bathroom, which should meet your daily exercise quota.
19. Have Sex
That post-coital glow never fails. Again, men, this does not apply to you.
20. French Fry Lip Trick
If you don’t have any lip gloss handy, but you DO have french fries, take a handful and smear them against your lips. Gives it a glossy shine.
21. Don’t Sit On Toilet Seats
I know for some people this goes without saying, but for a lot of others it does not. You know that saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone”? Well this is highly applicable to butt pimples. You truly never realize how many butt pimples you got…until they’re gone.