1. She stands in a corner creepily eyeing you, like so:
Like I said: mojo-less. What perhaps used to be a knack for breaking the ice with a dirty quip has now morphed into a knack for talking to oneself. One second you’re at a party and the next second you’re alone in the corner conversing with the only person you can stand nowadays: yourself.
Rachel: Should I go for it?
Rachel: I dunno, man. You might be better off giving him the sexy eye.
Rachel: Okay cool. Done.
Rachel: Have you looked in the mirror recently? That face you’re making is creepy.
Rachel: Fuck you. Look! He’s coming over! See, I told you. Oh. No—no, wait. He’s just trying to get to the bar.
2. She eyes you on the subway; every time you look at her, she looks away
I know this may not be the most disarming tactic, but give the girl a break! She just lost her mojo for god’s sake, not her eyesight. She’s looking at you because she wants you and if she’s coming off as awkward that’s because in recent months she has lost the ability to interact with strangers of the opposite sex.
3. She check marks you on Tinder
It’s called using dating apps to ease the transition into real human interaction. You blind?
4. She likes a lot of your Facebook photos at once
Another one for those struggling with human interactions IRL. Also, she gave that photo of you and your cat wearing matching nightgowns its only like, which obviously means she’s a keeper.
5. She says “hello”
6. She starts speaking to you in French
It shouldn’t matter that her accent is abysmal, because she’s trying. Look at it from her perspective: it’s as if she just awoke out of a year-long coma and has to re-learn basic human interactions. So she thinks that saying, “Zut alors!” when your finger gets caught in the car door is more charming than a mere, “Are you alright?” Sue her.
7. She starts sweating
Guys are always asking girls to be straight with them. Well, you want straightforwardness? I’ll give you straightforwardness. See those 18 sweat beads adorning my mustache? Each one correlates with the number of times I would willingly stroke your grundle.
8. She is sitting alone at the bar you happen to be tending
Again, must we spell it out for you? Mojo no mas.
9. She burps in your face
That’s called affection. Sometimes ex-boyfriends allow you to maintain your deplorable habits to a point where you convince yourself that it’s part of your charm.
10. She offers you a bite of her pizza
I’d venture to say that any girl holds her slice of pizza very dearly. But this is especially true for a girl who has recently gone through a breakup.
11. She pets your dog
If she hasn’t yet grown the balls to try and get in with you, she will likely go for your dog. It’s a mixture of trying to give you a little tease of what’s to come (re: the way you nuzzle the dog is everything) and just trying to get your dog acquainted with her scent. Then, if all goes well, next time you’re walking Charlie in the area, Charlie will sniff his way to her crotch.
12. She bites into a dog
…maybe even mid-conversation. It’s a nervous tick and also Crif Dogs have been a really loyal friend to her as of late.
13. She talks to your parents
Perhaps in the past year she has digressed from cool chick to uncomfortably uncool chick. Perhaps complacent, even boring adult couples are the only people she can relate to nowadays. At least she has the wherewithal to know that getting in with your parents gives her a better shot at getting you than any attempt at direct conversation.
14. She texts you, for god’s sake.
Literally, like what more do you want from her.
15. She adds you on LinkedIn
A little nudge, implying: I am interested AND professional!
16. She throws up on you
What? It’s the thought that counts. She was just trying to get blackout to the point where she finally had the balls to kiss you. So things went slightly askew—it happens.
17. Ask him to start a Marquis de Sade book club
I mean honestly, what more do you want? If she tried any harder she’d be walking around bearing a t-shirt that says “I want you”.
18. She’s ignoring specifically you
A lack of mojo will sometimes drive people to do the darndest things! If she’s bantering the shit out of every guy, but freezes up when you try to talk to her, that likely means she likes you and is nervous. Unless you suck and she just really doesn’t want to talk to you. In that case, be gone!
19. She tries to get you to watch Scandal, either with her or just on your own
Re: how to treat a girl and achieve really steamy sex/romance scenes.
20. You find out from someone else that she’s trying to get your number
Again, a middleman is a mojo-less woman’s best friend. Second to Crif Dogs. Remember that.
21. She bends over in front of you
“Oops! Did I do that?” she might say. And even if it does reveal hairy legs or a faint fart, this is truly another case of it’s-the-thought-that-counts.
22. She makes a stink face right at you
This is her attempt at a wink. Just go with it.