“None of my references really like me, so please don’t believe what they say.”
“I am in the top 2% of programmers.” No explanation of how that is determined… I should have asked. :-(
“Grate communication and atention to details” on a resume I looked at maybe an hour ago.
Left a contact email that started with kinkykitty@.
I was helping someone with their resume once who listed their email address as 420bluntbro@…
“Windows 7 was my idea.”
Under “certifications” this guy put “bad ass”. He didn’t get the job.
“I bake great cakes and will share if you give me this job.” It was for a mortgage banking position.
I had a guy put “Cougars” in his interest category. Granted, it was for a bar tending position.
“My name is Mike and I’d like a job. Here is my phone number. Thanks.”
All nicely typed on the first and only line of the page.
My friend used to put “petroleum transfer specialist at British Petroleum” on his resume. In reality, he pumped gas at an BP gas station.
I am an established Aerospace Engineer with a highly technical resume, but at the end of the certifications I put “3CSC Certified” This stands for 3 Cheese Stuffed Crust Certified, as I had to pass a test while a Pizza Distribution Engineer at Pizza Hut. No one has ever asked me about this one item.
While reviewing resumes that were included for a scholarship application, I happened upon an interesting one, it was a two page resume which I was not too happy about…I turned to the second page to find professionally taken karate action shots of the guy. I felt like an ass for laughing so hard at it because it was a completely serious application, but then that made me laugh harder.
I once got a resume that had been photocopied crooked, and then the top line said: I am seeking a job at Stitches.
Crossed out. In pencil.
I have a buddy who thought it would be a good idea to put his 2.0 GPA on a resume.
I was interviewing prospective servers for a restaurant. One young man turned in a resume written entirely in text speak. i.e. Werk Xperince- Bezt bAg Boy in da hizzouse at Da Key FUUD!
I told him the job required he be able to write in English. He took the “resume” back from me and left.
World of Warcraft Guild Leader as an example of leadership skills (listed like a previous job).
I manage a coffee shop, and females constantly put glamor shots in the resume. I even had one middle aged woman include a full length picture of herself in an evening gown. It was weird.
Under “Reason for applying with us:” “My parents are rich, and I thought I could live for free off them for a few more years. Turns out I was wrong. Now I need to get a job and move out. I’m lazy though.”
“Have you ever been convicted of a Felony? If yes, please explain.”
Answer:”Yes. Arson. But he deserved it, will discuss in interview.”
Last employment a girl listed was “exotic dancer at the Doll house” Reason left – Finished degree. They DO exist!
All seriousness: “Italian cuisine logistics engineer”. He was a pizza delivery guy. I called him just because he stuck out and was creative. Turned out not to be a fit but got him noticed.
I had one sent to me that literally said “Why you should hire me: because I’m the shit.”
“Bachelorette of Science” degree.
someone dropped this off at my office a while back (we were highlighting the spelling errors).
One guy summarized every position with a one-line summary…that sounded like a movie trailer.
The one we laugh about to this day is “a code-slingin’ cowboy venturing alone into the Wild West of Java”
The sad thing is his qualifications were really, really, good, but he was just too weird (we did interview him).
“Experience using microwave,” on an application to a restaurant.
I had one once where they had miss spelled ‘Union’ and written ‘European Onion Visa’.
It had me in tears.
In my state’s voter pamphlet, one of the candidates in the primary listed “Electro-goth and rap recording artist” in his relevant professional experience section.
To be the governor.
I always include some photos of me performing karate techniques on the second page of my resume, should I stop doing this? They are professionally taken shots btw.
I got this. I spoke with a girl and got her resume at a college job fair. She was pretty good, seemed totally legit. I later read her resume, seemed good. On the upper left hand corner there was a small picture of the girl. I’ve seen that before, it’s not a terrible way to remind a reviewer who they spoke to at the fair. Except this picture was of a girl on a college bunk bed in T-shirt and umbros, eating a sandwich. On a resume.
We begged our HR to let us bring her in. We were fascinated. This girl seemed totally normal in person.
To the girl, if you’re on reddit. Please tell me if this was a joke.
“I’m kind of a big deal.”
For a Tech Support position:
“Pickling kitchen – Worked with a prodigious quantity of brine.”
He got the job.
Hmm I wonder if I should continue to put “have current Concealed weapon permit” on my resume. My reasoning is that it is a heck of a lot harder to get a concealed permit then pass a job background check…
“Punctuality: I am almost never late for college or work.”
“I am incredibly intelligent and self aware. When I was 12 and my peers were playing with toys, I was teaching myself guitar and reading books. I currently own 94 books.”
That ‘almost’ cracks me up every time I think about it.
“Hobbies include driving around different places.”
“I have great hygiene and my shots are up to date,” on a resume for someone applying for a sales position a few months back.
Accomplishments: US Citizen.
EDIT: He was born and raised in the US.
Dictaphone. On a resume I got last month.
Expert knowledge of MS word, on a resume so poorly formatted I could barely read it.
The best though was actually in an interview, where at the end the guy tells me in no uncertain terms that there is no way he can pass a drug test. I ask if he has a MMJ proscription an he says “nah, I’m just a stoner.”
A girl had a computer skills section on her résumé, to which she put “no not really.”
Reason for leaving previous job: “They told me I quit.”
Had a guy fill out a application and wrote his previous job was “a dick washer at red lobber” more than once. I interviewed him just to make sure it was a dish washer at Red Lobster.
Under qualifications the guy wrote “Attended Burning Man 2010.”
I was a retail manager years ago and I had a young juggalo turn in his resume. His email address started with krystal_meth. Yeah, that one went to the bottom of the pile…
I had a guy mention that he’d won multiple Dance Dance Revolution tournaments under his “hobbies” section. That was a first.
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