I have just realized tonight, I can never be friends with you. And it hurts my heart to write it. It hurts my heart to even fathom it. But I think you realized it way before I did. I know you’re smarter and wiser and all that shit. But, it took me awhile to learn. It took me awhile to realize that I can’t have communication with you. Because it’s bad for my health and my mind and my self esteem. I can’t do it anymore.
So, we can’t be friends. Not after everything we have been through.
You were the first man I ever loved. At the age of seventeen, you were my world. My universe. My galaxy. I had never known a love that strong. I had never known anyone as beautiful as you. But there you were. There you were loving me. There you were always comforting me. Always being there. Always loving me despite my faults and all of my flaws.
You were a boy and I was a girl. We weren’t mature. We were so young. And yet. Our love was so much greater than our age. Our love was so much greater than what anyone else thought.
Our love was fucking real.
I remember the day you told me on Skype that you wanted to be in an open relationship. I remember it. After three years of being together. After two years of being long distance. I remember you breaking my heart.
I can’t be your acquaintance. I can’t be your friend. I can’t be the one you go to when you have questions about a girlfriend. I can’t be there for you when you want sex or when you feel lonely.
And it hurts. It hurts so badly. Because I’ll always have a place for you in my heart. Maybe it will always be a fact about my heart. Maybe you’ll always be stuck with me like glue.
But I can’t be friends with you.
I’m going on dates. I have an amazing career. I write songs and still play guitar. I still love chocolate and pasta and french fries.
You did not break me.
You just wounded me.
And I’m ok now. I miss you. I think I always will. But, we can’t be friends. Don’t ask me questions about whether or not you should break up with your girlfriend. Don’t send me emoji faces. Don’t send me anything.
And I won’t send you anything either.
I’m ready for you to be my past. Not my now. Not my future. Not my present.
I am done letting you dictate my love life.
I love you. But right now, I need to let you go. For the sake of myself.
For the love of me.