Holly Riordan

“He fell with a rope around his neck and actually hung himself.”

Date someone who never makes you feel bad about getting emotional, even if you’re upset with them and they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong.

Capricorns: If they’ve stopped having sex with you, they’re probably getting laid elsewhere.

When they ignore all of your texts, but like every single selfie you post on Instagram.

I checked Twitter. The top hashtag was something about unexplained deaths. There were links to obscure websites detailing the different murders, mostly blogs with fonts that were a little too bright and mice that spouted glitter as you moved down the page.

Goodnight texts will remind your partner how much you care. You can wish your partner sweet dreams and help them feel like they have something to look forward to tomorrow.

When you see photos of your friends vacationing in Italy and kissing their boyfriends in front of Cinderella’s Castle, it’s easy to feel like you’ve been wasting your entire summer.

Ride the ferry, even if you don’t have a specific place to go. Once you reach your destination, you can ride it right back.

“When I was 8, my dad tried to kill me, my mom and sister. A month later, my dad would go on to commit suicide.”

“I think Pluto either broke her arm or her leg. I can’t remember. The family was arrested.”

Cancer: You’ve spent so much time on them. You don’t want everything that happened between the two of you to be a waste.

Find her vibrator (one with a low volume) and place it against her nipples. Then her thighs. Then her clit. Pretty soon, she should stop snoring and start moaning.

If we were on a TV show, do you think the viewers would ship us?

I was going to send you nudes last night, but then I realized I didn’t have your number.

Take a picture of your dildo and caption it, “I’ll be thinking of you the entire time.”

Once you were selected, your brain matter would be drained from your skull, and the empty shell of your body would be burned, the ashes repurposed as diamonds. But your mind would live on in the computer—at least until you turned 90 and they deleted you to make room for more data—so they didn’t consider it murder.

Libra: The men you’re interested in never have any idea that you like them. You just haven’t made your feelings obvious enough.

I can read your mind, and yes, I’ll go out with you.