Holly Riordan

Turning down invites out with your non-single friends. You’re just not in the mood to listen to them talk about their boyfriends. Even if they’re complaining about how horrible those boyfriends are, you don’t want to hear it.

Make you dinner (or at least pick up Chinese) when he knows you’re not in the mood to cook.

“It was about this guy and his wife that would kidnap girls and torture them for three days in the toy box. “

“Some guy buried a corpse of someone he killed. He told the people of 4chan that whoever guesses their post number would get the coordinates to the body.”

He’s insanely jealous. If he has the urge to cheat, then he’ll think you have the same urge. That’s why he’ll get paranoid whenever you look at another guy.

He should make an effort to plan dates. He shouldn’t expect you to come up with ideas every weekend. Once in a while, he should take you to a new restaurant or shop that he thinks you’re going to love.

The reason he’s been radio silent isn’t because he’s been busy. It isn’t because he needs to focus on his work. It isn’t because he’s a bad texter.

If someone like me, someone who gets bored easily, ends up in a serious relationship with you–one that lasts more than six months–it means I really like you.

When I tried to call them back, it didn’t ring once. The voicemail automatically picked up. A girl that couldn’t have been much older than seven said, “Stephanie,“ the vowels long and sing-song. I flinched at my name, but continued listening.

Change your hair. If he has a thing for blondes, but you’re a brunette and like it that way, don’t pick up a box of hair dye. Don’t grow out your hair for him if you like it short, either.

The conversation never lasts for more than four or five texts.

Refuses to open up to you and tell you why he’s feeling the way that he feels.

“I can’t listen to Kim. It makes me feel physically uncomfortable to hear the words to that song.”

Biting. If anyone has ever told you to “bite” a man’s lip, they didn’t actually mean “bite.” They meant lightly nibble and tug. Don’t bite him.

I felt a hand yank on my hair. Felt my head smash against the tub and get dipped into the water.

He never apologizes when he does something to upset you. In fact, he finds a way to turn the situation around so that you’re the one apologizing.

I consider you one of my exes. Technically, that’s not accurate, but come on. We were basically dating. And it’s weird to refer to you as an old friend. We were so much more than that.

Scorpio: Someone that’s completely off-limits has a huge crush on you. It’s probably one of your friends that’s already in a relationship.