Holly Riordan

When she’s drunk. When all of her inhibitions, her insecurities, and her innocence flutters away. When she isn’t thinking over her words — once, twice, three times — before she speaks. When she says whatever pops into her intricate mind and moves with a clumsy grace.

“I get a sharp pain in my leg, as if I’d been stabbed. I look down and there’s nothing there, and absolutely nothing that could have caused it, so I carry on with my work. Next time I look down, there’s a trail of blood going from just above my ankle and trickling down my foot.”

She takes forever to text back. She’s lonely. But when a friend tries to reach out to her, she doesn’t respond. She feels like she has nothing worthwhile to say. Like she’d only bring the other person down. Depress them.

I don’t need you to text me from the second your alarm chimes in the morning until your head sinks into your pillow at night. I don’t need never-ending affection. But I do need affection. I need you to set time aside to visit me and plan out dates you think I’d like. I need you to ask me about my day and tell me all about yours. I need you to prove that you give a damn about me.

I stumbled to the mirror attached to the back of my door. Saw something dripping out of my left ear. Blood? No. No, it wasn’t liquid. It was solid. Like a long, thick worm.

If you have to make a phone call or approach a store counter, you’ll rehearse what you have to say before you actually say it. You’ll repeat the words over and over in your head until you have them memorized. Until you’re ready to take on your role as ‘functional human being.’

During dates. He shouldn’t be staring at his lap, checking his phone, while you’re out having dinner. He should be present. He should be observant. He should be paying attention to you.

At what age did you learn the most about yourself?

He shouldn’t make you cry, because he flirted with another girl. Or because he canceled plans. Or because he called you an offensive name. The only tears you should be crying are happy tears.

Even when I hate what my reflection shows me, I know you’ll still say I’m beautiful. Even when I want to spend the entire day in bed, I know you’ll give me a reason to rise. Even when I feel worthless, I know you’ll only see my value.

“This old Russian lady would relate the same tale over and over. Her husband drank and hit her. It was sad for sure. But one day she leaned over and whispered, ‘He was asshole drunk, so I pushed him down stairs. Dead.'”

I’m into bondage. I’m also into you.

Whenever you get mad at him, you tell yourself that you’re overreacting. That you’re the crazy one. That you need to tone your emotions down if you want to keep him around.

Canceled plans. You got all dressed up for him. You cleared your schedule. You even shaved. But at the last second, he canceled. Again. Without even giving you a solid excuse.

Capricorn: Your intelligence isn’t going to take you far if you choose the wrong career path, so let your heart’s desires overshadow your common sense.

When he compliments you, he mentions more than your eyes and your butt. He mentions your kindness. Your intelligence. Your laugh.

A man that recognizes her worth and reminds her of it.

You replay all of your interactions with him in your head. It’s not for fun. It’s research. You’re trying to decipher everything he’s said and done. Trying to figure out if there’s some hidden message you missed.