Charlie Shaw

Christina Aguilera went to my high school (North Allegheny). My psychology teacher said she was a bitch and smelled like uncooked hot dogs.

During the in person interview phase I tend to look at people’s fingernails.

My father was a 911-call taker. The worst calls he got were suicide calls where pretty much all he heard was someone immediately saying “hello, my name is John doe and I live at 123 abc Street and I’m going to kill myself…bang.”

In 2005 my father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with Tums and no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.

At the time I knew that his behavior was weird and not to go with him but I didn’t fully grasp the danger enough to be all that frightened. It turns out that the guy is a complete nut job and is now a known child molester. A few years ago some of his children brought him to court for severe physical and sexual abuse.

When I worked at Sam’s Club, during the madness one black Friday morning, we caught a woman stuffing the inside of her pants with frozen lobster tail. She would unpack them and throw the trash in a stack of tires that were on display.

A relative of mine is a nurse. One day she was doing a pelvic exam on a morbidly obese woman. She lifted up one of the lady’s fat rolls for some reason and under that roll was ho hos…. still in the wrapper. She shows the patient what she found and how does that patient react? The patient takes the ho hos from my relative and proceeds to eat them during the pelvic exam.

I saw J-Lo in the Bronx, she was with Ben Affleck and some other people in a Bodega. A teenage girl asked for her autograph and she said no. The girl said “Fuck you, your music is whack anyway.” J-Lo turned to the other people and said, “that’s why i don’t like coming back to this s**thole.”