36 Paramedics, EMTs, And Police Share Their Weirdest And Most WTF Moments On The Job

Found on AskReddit.
Anthony Majanlahti
Anthony Majanlahti

1. thelovepirate

My best friend’s dad was one of the police officers that arrested Texas rapper Big Lurch, who was arrested for eating his roommate while high on PCP.

2. penguinz0

My friend’s dad had to push some old ladies prolapsed anus in. Fucked up shit.

3. Punch_Drunk_AA

When I was an EMT I responded to call where a hobo was hit by a train. He was scattered over the course of about two miles. I came across a shirt filled full of “remains” when I asked for a hand, the evil bastards I worked with gave me the Guy’s arm from the elbow down.

4. [deleted]

My uncle was an EMT in a small redneck southern town. My favorite story is a man who got drunk and fell down the stairs of a bar, breaking his legs in the process. They had to cut his pants off to get to the injury, and when they took them off, they found a cucumber taped to the side of his thigh. I asked my uncle what he did about it and he said they just left it there so when he sobered up, he’d find himself in a hospital bed with two legs in a cast and a cucumber rotting on his thigh.

5. Micr0waveMan

Guy stuck at the top of a tree trying to rescue a kitten. Cats don’t get stuck in trees, people do. The best part was the burly sanitation worker rubbing it in, asking him if he ever saw a kitten skeleton up in a tree.

6. sp_redbeard

Unconscious woman whose toes were being eaten by cats in a hoarders residence.

7. muzz3256

I had a patient one time drink a whole gallon of Tide laundry detergent in an effort to “kill Satan’s baby that I’ve been pregnant with for 2 years.” I was able to keep my composure the whole time we were taking her to the hospital, but every time she started talking, you’d see bubbles in her mouth. I held my composure through that, but then she vomited, and that’s when I lost it, it was seriously like a kids toy, bubbles everywhere. The ambulance didn’t even smell like vomit, it smelled like Tide Springtime Fresh. I have never really laughed at people in the back of the ambulance, maybe a light chuckle here or there, but this time I couldn’t help it, I full on belly laughed about a third of the way to the hospital. She survived and I’ve taken her in on various psych issues since then, but she will always be “Tide Springtime Fresh” to me.

8. walnut_of_doom

Went out on a wreck where these two out of state kids over corrected, veered off the road, hit a dirt hill, and landed in a tree. Neither of them was seriously injured but it sure was a sight to see a brand new tundra stuck in a tree about 6 feet off the ground.

9. GatorSe7en

A guy had accidentally hung himself in his garage. He literally had a contraption he had built that held him in a harness. One of his arms controlled a rope that was attached through a pulley system with a dildo at the end. As he pulled the rope the dildo did the job on his backside. The other arm controlled the same kind of pulley but at the end was a noose that was tied around his neck. Needless to say he pulled a little too tight on the noose end. It was a nice normal neighborhood and the guy was married with kids with a seemingly completely normal life.

10. JuliaBee

My mother who was a case manager for a while had 2 interesting stories: A homeless woman who was a paranoid schizophrenic came into my mother’s office with a severe infection in her foot. When my mother asks her if she thinks she’s ready to be discharged, she proceeds to tell my mom that she did not have an infection in her foot but that she was turning into a pterodactyl. And the other is that another man who had schizophrenia explained to my mother that the voices in his head told him to cut off his penis and feed it to his dog…and he did.

11. InDitkaWeTrust

Okay, I’m an EMT. One of my teachers told me once about the craziest call he’s ever received.

He’s sitting at the station and he gets a call for a lacerated finger. They arrive at the house and sure enough, a woman is sitting at the table with an extremely bloody finger. They patch up the wound and head out the door, and before they get on the truck, the woman taps him on the shoulder and says: “That’s not really why I called you.” And he says: “Well, what’s the issue, ma’am?” And she responded with, I shit you not: “I have razor blades in my vagina.”

Apparently this woman had a sleeping disorder, in which she would sleepwalk and put shit in her vagina and ass.

12. realjaso

I’m a volunteer EMT. A chubby lady in her 30’s made a 911 for severe abdominal pain. It’s 2 in the morning so I just woke up, tired and drowsy. As my partner and I get to her house, the husband is there at the door and tells us its no big deal. We walk inside and find the woman lying on the floor on newspapers surrounded by cats. Must have been 4-5 cats lying next to her licking her vagina. Yes, the woman was giving birth. She did NOT know she was pregnant. We saw the little baby being delivered next to cats. Even worse, they had their 4-year old boy stand next to her as he watched his mother gave birth in pain. The little boy was crying, the cats were still licking her; the husband was standing there like it was no big deal. We had to call our county back and update them about the situation. They sent paramedics to assist. The cops showed up before we even got there, told us it was ugly. They were right.

13. bill_gonorrhea

I’m a sheriff’s deputy. I had to put down a man on meth because he ran at me swinging baseball bat after he beat his son unconscious.

14. lord_suetonious

I’m a UK firefighter; one time I had the unluckiest guy. He was a raging alcoholic, and he decided he wanted to end it all by throwing himself from the top of the hospital. So he jumps off, but misses the floor, he hits another roof, so dazed he tries to aim for some metal railings in the hope of impaling himself. He jumps again, overcompensated for this jump due to previous failed attempt, he hits the wall on the other side and slides down into an open sewer outlet, still alive, as it was one of my firsts days on the job, I was sent in to get him. It’s not easy to reason with a drunken homeless guy he literally cannot kill himself while knee deep in shit and piss. Good times.

15. woodstock_22

A relative of mine is a nurse. One day she was doing a pelvic exam on a morbidly obese woman. She lifted up one of the lady’s fat rolls for some reason and under that roll was ho hos…. still in the wrapper. She shows the patient what she found and how does that patient react? The patient takes the ho hos from my relative and proceeds to eat them during the pelvic exam.

16. TastyBurger23

A friend of mine came and talked to a few of my friends about drug abuse (he’s a former cop). He told us a story about how a man on PCP got into a dispute with his wife, and eventually escalated to him ripping off his own manhood. With his bare hands. They took him to the emergency room, all the while assuring him (as he requested) that nobody else would touch his manhood until they got him into surgery.

17. aptainwacky91

I have a friend who is a paramedic, and he got called out to a situation, in a trailer park, 16-year-old girl won’t tell about the condition. He comes in and finds her with her pants down, white washcloth covering her junk. Long story short, her boyfriend gave her crabs, and with her 16 year old, sexually repressed, trailer-trash influenced mind; she thought it was a good idea to spray raid all over her junk. Red swollen genitalia, oozing some sort of pus-like discharge, I don’t remember what all he did for her other than put her on ice while taking her to the hospital, and the only thing he heard afterwards was that something had to be drained when the doctors took her in.

18. xaraan

My EMT friend told me about a guy they had a call for that ended up having a vibrator stuck up his ass. They were totally professional, no laughing or anything, all the way to the hospital with the thing running in the ambulance. They kept it together. They get to the hospital and the first thing the doctor says is “Does he want me to take it out or just change the batteries?” and they all lost it.

19. zebumps

A man, late at night, walks into ER with a huge overcoat on backwards. On his crotch region is a huge bulge. The man asks to go see a male doctor immediately. With emphasis on the MALE. He walks in to the room takes of his over coat and there is a cat. On his cock. He was having sex with the cat and because the human penis is too large it killed the cat. Because the cat died, all of it’s muscles clenched up and the cat was stuck on his dick.

20. Slickrick298

Had a patient shove 4 batteries up his penis.

21. blackweasel30

My father told me this story. He was talking to the firefighter chief. Apparently a naked black man broke into the firehouse, got into a Battalion Chiefs office, and began smearing his poop on the walls. When the battalion chief got there apparently he screamed like a little girl.

22. Phoenix2288

I used to work with a guy who was an EMT in Milwaukee, WI, and said that the stupidest call he got was for a guy who had a big zit on his face. The guy requested to be hauled out by gurney.

23. bonecrusher2102

But one time we cut off this dude’s Jeans and he was wearing women’s panties. It was my first day. Also had an instructor that they called ‘The Rabbi’ because he cut off the tip of a guy’s dick with his trauma shears while removing the dude’s pants.

24. [deleted]

My aunt used to drive an ambulance. One of the calls they had was about a car that drove under a semi trailer. They pulled up to see this car and the whole top of it shredded. They thought the guy was dead, they were expecting to see his head in the back seat when they pulled it out. They were all standing around talking about what to do, when they heard someone calling from under the trailer. Turns out the guy had enough reaction time to put his seat back.

25. awake1563

Coat hanger in the ass for pleasure.

26. SelectaRx

A friend’s father was a paramedic and he’d tell us his more interesting stories from time to time. Once he was called to the scene of a domestic assault to treat some injuries and I guess the cops were chuckling at the guy when he showed up. When he asked what had happened, the cops told him to ask the guy. So the guy is clearly bleeding from his head and my friend’s dad asks him what his deal is.

“Bitch hit me wit a smoov.”
“Excuse me?”
“Bitch hit me wit a smoov!”
“A what?”
“You know, smoov clothes wit!”

Turns out it’s what he called a clothes iron.

27. IrrevrentHoneyBadger

My buddy is a firefighter medic and I am always prodding him for awesome stories. The best one I’ve heard is that they went on a call for a woman having chest pain. They arrive on scene and find an incredibly obese woman. All her vitals seem fine but she is complaining of excruciating pain. They prep her for the ambulance and on the way to the hospital they find the source of the pain. A fork was lodged in her fat rolls stabbing her in the chest, literal chest pain.

28. trikstah

This one happened when I was in elementary school. I remember being disturbingly fascinated, yet appalled at the same time. A school bus of small children, possibly grade 1 children, riding to a field trip early morning. The school bus collided with some type of farm vehicle/heavy machinery, while on the highway. I can’t remember all the details of how it happened, since I was so young, but pretty much every person riding on the bus, ended up being decapitated. A lot of our rural and local firefighters were pretty traumatized after having to clean up children’s heads off of the road. It was pretty horrifying. I also remember any field trips being taken away for quite some time afterwards.

29. treycash

I am a Lieutenant at our local fire dept. One night we went to a EMS call in the local hood. It was this 40ish y/o white woman, about 250 lbs. She was having chest pain, and in North Carolina it is protocol to get a 12 Lead EKG (which involves lifting up her shirt to put stickers on her chest for a accurate picture of her heart). So my crew and I start assessing her and one of the new guys lifts up her shirt and there in the middle of her chest was the hugest black dick tattoo ever with balls and hair! The new guy stared for a moment in shock and the woman said, “Honey, that is my man and his dick is mighty I wanted to see it every chance I got.”

30. Unveil

I work in a rural area and one of the other crews got a call where they walked in to find this lady and a Saint Bernard stuck ass to ass. Apparently she takes doggy style to the next level all the time and this time when the dog went to dismount he got stuck some how. Word got out somehow and before it was all said and done about four other fire departments showed up just to see this.

31. hecrap

Guy on LSD (and probably some other strong ass shit) cut off his arm thinking it was a snake.

32. imatworkla

Responded to a motorcycle accident, was sent to pick up the debris of the bike that was all over the road. Picked up pieces of fairing, the seat, torn bits of jacket and the helmet. The helmet still had his head in it, with the blood spilling out of the container I had just tipped over. This was the first time I had seen a body ripped to pieces, but I was able to keep it together. When I got back to the station I threw up and the captain sent me off to get wasted.

33. AceRockola

Got called out to a house to do a well-being check on someone’s family member. We get to the house with PD and they enter first. We follow in with the stretcher and walked into one of the grossest scenes I’ve ever seen in my life. Every surface in the house was covered with bottles/buckets of this guy’s piss & shit. The guy was very much alive, and very much covered in his own shit. We ended up having to take him to the hospital, obviously, and that’s the last I ever heard of it. We spent an hour cleaning the back of the ambulance at the hospital, but kept finding this guy’s shit in the back for WEEKS.

34. ironicly-hipster

My friend is an EMT and loves to tell this story. Once, while working in the southwest, he responded to a call that took him at least 20 minutes into the desert. They came up to the house and found a rather obese black man laying dead on his porch with a woman who was rather large as well standing over him with her hands on her hips looking pissed off. The EMTs, as in all three of them, picked this guy up in the gurney and were bringing him to the ambulance when the woman called out after them, “I told that fat motha fucka not to eat no four chili cheese dogs!” The EMTs, my friend included, almost tipped the gurney over laughing.

35. the3r1c

My friend’s dad is a paramedic and he told us this story. He had responded to call were a lady could not get off the toilet. When they show up, it was a rather large lady. Turns out her husband had painted the toilet seat and she hadn’t noticed. After a while doing her thing she tried to get back up, by that point the paint had dried. They had to carry her out, toilet seat still glued on while all the neighbors were curious to know what happened.

36. [deleted]

I use to be in the military as a rad tech. But I worked in a small clinic so after business hours (9-5) it would only be our department and the ACC (acute care clinic) open and sometimes we would go in on calls with them. One of the calls we went out to was two fat chicks that got stuck in a door racing to the microwave. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen. TC mark

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