Charlie Shaw

23. An app that locates the closest Finnish liquor store.

Worked at KFC for ~4 years. The BBQ sandwich is actually made from chicken too old and stale to give to the homeless shelters, so they soak it in BBQ sauce until it can be pulled and then they keep it on the heater for a month.

My father’s former tenant, whom he evicted for failure to pay rent for over a year, used him as a reference when applying at my place of work.

If the plane is being hijacked when the pilot lands they will leave the wing flaps up that slow the plane down, this is to signal the airport that there is something happening in the plane.

I once told a girl I had a thing for that I wanted to get her boyfriend pregnant. Drunk me thought that this would make her jealous.

At the beginning of the school year I told my physics teacher, who at the time was joking around, that I went by Trevor. He took me seriously and since I’m afraid of confrontation, I spent two weeks learning to respond to ‘Trevor;’ My name is Daniel.

Busy Friday night behind the bar, other bartender walks up to me and says he needs a break. “Now?” I ask. He replies, “Now and forever” and leaves…

The moment you place someone on a pedestal they will look down upon you.

Last year, I went to a job fair at a local college to tell people about the internship at my office. A young lady stops at my table, asks what kind of jobs I have available, and hands me her resume. I look down to skim her resume. When I look back up, she has her thumb in her mouth.

He knocked out his teeth, said he’s the antichrist and asked me to join his harem. I wish I were making that up.

A ghost lives in my laundry room. I was doing laundry one day when the clothesline moved on its own. Also, I was home by myself last week and the ghost kept opening the dryer door and slamming it, all day.

1. All girls look better without makeup.

A friend of mine got a message from a guy on Facebook saying he was looking for a high school friend with the same name as hers. He says he knows it’s not her but that she’s beautiful. They start talking, he lives in another state. They meet up, she ends up getting knocked up. Around 6 months into the pregnancy she finds out he is a serial killer, and is now in prison with a life sentence.

Accidentally saved my fathers number as my dealers number. Tried to buy weed from my dad.

I talked to a kid from my school that got caught planning to bomb us during an assembly. It’s sad because he was a nice and smart kid.

On one of our first dates, my wife and I decided to go to a park in Chicago just to walk around. After we left, we realized that we were not at the park we thought we were at, and we read the next day that there was an armed mugging at the park we thought we were at.

I went on a date once with a guy who intended to study mortuary science. He asked me how I’d feel about taking a cold bath before sex, and then staying very still throughout. I couldn’t get out of that car fast enough!

A friend of mine always tells the story of his encounter with Bill Murray. Whilst walking home from a near-by Dominoes pizza back to the house, Bill Murray comes up behind my friend, takes the pizza and runs away with it shouting “No one’s going to believe you!”