1. Gave gin to his dying grandma.
I put gin in my grandma’s sonic slushies when she was dying from cancer. No one in the family would let her drink. She was dying. I wanted her happy. She loved gin.
2. Doesn’t know a lick of Star Trek.
In high school I was the president of the Star Trek Club. Prior to being elected, I had never watched Star Trek.
3. Moved to Boston for a girl.
I moved to the Boston area because of a girl.
To my family and most of the world, I moved for a job and because I’ve wanted to be in/near Boston for years.
4. The secret recipe to his famous sauce.
I’m known in my group of friends for making an amazing homemade dipping sauce. It’s actually three store brands mixed together.
5. The real reason he married his wife.
I always assured my wife that I didn’t marry her just because she got pregnant when we were young. I mostly did. I felt it was the right thing to do, and I still do. Now she’s my ex-wife, and I still will never tell her the truth. Even now it would break her heart.
6. Lied about getting pregnant.
When I was 18 I became pregnant by a guy I met and had sex with at a party and never got his name. My mom kicked me out, I moved into government housing, got a job and my GED. When I was 6 months along. The week after my baby shower, I had a miscarriage.
The only thing was. I made it all up. Never went to a party, never had sex with a stranger, no baby at all. But I’ve never told a single person the truth that I lied to get out of my abusive home. I knew my family would cut me off and I’d be rid of them.
I took it too far and now I have to live with the lie. My best friend takes me out every year on the baby’s due date to remember him.
7. Never went to South Africa.
Last year I did a South African literature course and the teacher asked ‘hey has anybody been to South Africa?’ I wasn’t listening and for some stupid fucking reason I was like ‘oh yeah I totally have’. Everyone then exploded and was like ‘Omg, so cool! Tell us all about it’ Then they all kept asking me so much shit about South Africa and what I did there that i went home and Googled the shit out of South Africa I mean I street-viewed everything so I could believably make up stuff because there was no way I could deny it now.
Man, the most elaborate thing I have ever done. It would’ve been less effort to go to literally go to South Africa.
8. Crashed into his landlord’s car.
I hit my landlord’s car. But granted she parked in a no parking zone in front of our building and she parked 1 foot away from my running car (winter time had to go to work) so I just backed the fuck up and drove off. My mom called me in my way to work to tell me she saw what I did and that she deserved it. She and I are the only ones who know.
9. Didn’t fall in the creek on camping trip.
I didn’t slip and fall in the creek on the hike at our 5th grade camping trip. I tried to squat against a tree, slipped on dry leaves, and peed all over myself. Then I sat in the creek and caught up to everyone else so my story seemed more legit. You can’t be the kid who peed on himself on a class trip, no one will ever forget.
10. The naked babysitter.
When I was 8, I had this babysitter who was probably 16 or 17. Every time she would come over she’d close all the blinds and walk around naked the entire time. As a kid I thought it was great but as I got older I started to think about how fucked up it was. Never told my parents.
11. That he has no sense of smell.
I’ve convinced all of my friends, ALL of them, that I have no sense of smell. The only people who know that I can are my immediate family. I don’t make a big deal about it, but I think it’s too late to go back on it now.
12. He doesn’t actually hate pizza crust.
I tell my girlfriend I hate the crust on the pizza because she LOVES the crust on the pizza and I always give her my crust.
13. It wasn’t the dog.
I pooped in the yard and told my Mom the dog did it. 23 was a weird year for me.
14. His sexcapades.
I tell my friends all about my sexual escapades…I actually lost my dick in a car accident 3 years ago. I do it to feel normal….
Edit for explanation: I was sitting in the passenger seat when another car jumped a barrier and landed on top of the car I was in. The dashboard was plastic and turned into shrapnel and basically shredded my lower body.
15. She didn’t actually lose her teeth in a car accident.
I lie about how I lost my teeth because of shame. I tell everyone I lost them in the car accident I was involved in. While I lost a few, I’m more ashamed to tell people an ex boyfriend beat me bloody when I went to leave him after he started exhibiting red flags of abuse. He broke my jaw, my canines, and my two front teeth.
I didn’t expect him to escalate as quickly as it did.
16. He did steal his dad’s pen.
I stole my dad’s engraved pen.
More than 10 years ago I used my Dad’s engraved pen and forgot to return it to the coffee table when I was done. My parents both accused me of having it and I was irritated and denied having it. This pen was dark blue with gold writing that my mom had given him. It was used for grown up serious things like writing checks and signing cards.
17. He’s not actually allergic to shrimp.
That I’m “allergic to shrimp”. I just got tired of having to defend myself to people who think I’m crazy for not liking the smell or taste of shrimp.
18. Addicted to Benadryl.
“You’re always sleepy”. Truth is I like to take 2 Benadryls before going home, in order not to deal with my reality at times.
19. She stole her friend’s love letter.
When I was in grade one, my best friend was this boy who later died that year. It made me heart broken. Another girl and I had a crush on him, I was too shy to tell him but the other girl told him. He left a note on her desk that said “I like you too.” I stole the note because I was jealous and shy. Then he died, and the other girl cried, and I cried. I never told her. We are friends now, but I never told her that I took that note. I still have it. Even though I was in grade one, the grief couldn’t be more real. He was my best friend.
20. That piece of work he’s been lauded for? It’s plagiarized.
The piece of writing I’ve gotten the most praise for, have won contests with, got published — is plagiarized. I found it online, printed it out, and someone found it and insisted that it was the best thing I’d ever written, without bothering to ask me if I’d actually written it, and I was too shy and nervous to speak up and correct them until it was far, far too late.
Nobody will ever find out, because the real author is dead and his site doesn’t even exist on the Wayback Machine.
21. It’s actually a fake accent.
My accent is fake. I did this for years trying to blend in, but I’m more fluent with my real accent it’s easier for my tongue, and I can’t go back I would look ridiculous.
22. The real reason for the chipped tooth.
I chipped my tooth in 5th grade by vigorously making out with the wall in my shower. My mom thinks it was because I was dancing and slipped teeth first.
23. He actually doesn’t have a weird phobia of knees.
I have convinced everybody that I know that I am deathly afraid injuring my knees and find having them touched incredibly nerve racking. So this is generally the go to method for people when they are trying to bother or get a reaction from me such as moving me off their spot on the couch. Well sorry guys, it doesn’t phase me in the least. I just feel that it is better that they do that as opposed to something that actually freaks me the fuck out.
24. The real age he lost his virginity.
Most of friends think I lost my virginity when I was 15, but really I was 18. I probably won’t confess it because it doesn’t really matter anymore.
25. His name is not Trevor.
At the beginning of the school year I told my physics teacher, who at the time was joking around, that I went by Trevor. He took me seriously and since I’m afraid of confrontation, I spent two weeks learning to respond to ‘Trevor;’ My name is Daniel.
26. His sugar daddy.
I keep on telling my housemates that I go home for dental work, but in reality I go to Toronto and meet up with my gay sugar daddy that I found on Craigslist. I take the train back and meet up with him for a weekend of restaurants, shows, shopping and sex. He isn’t even old, or unattractive. To be honest he is my best friend as well, and people in public often assume we are father/son. I come home with expensive clothing, money, electronics etc and have to come up with stories of how I got it on sale, or how my parents got me early Christmas presents because its obvious I could never afford these on my own.. I am afraid my parents will eventually come to visit me at university, and my housemates will mention all of my “trips home to the dentist”. I have no idea how I would handle that, but right now the life I am living feels like it is worth the risk. The reason why I’d never tell anyone is because he is married with kids. His wife is disabled and can’t physically have sex. I am the other guy and it really makes me feel conflicted sometimes.
27. Didn’t actually take the LSAT.
I told my mom that I took the LSAT because she had paid for the application fee.
28. He actually IS ticklish.
I convinced my wife and kids I’m not ticklish. I think I’m going to write a note and have it delivered with my will when I die.
I feel bad. I am actually VERY ticklish. But I don’t like being tickled, so I told them I’m not. I made it through a few “tests” with them through a combination of willpower, biting the insides of my cheeks, and picturing them dying in a car crash, and now they don’t bother. I tickle them at will and they don’t retaliate.
29. He’s not Canadian in the least.
Everyone believes I’m Canadian. I’m not. I just told them I am, because I thought it seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m Dutch.
30. He never actually tripped acid at Disney.
Tripping acid at Disney.
I told someone freshman year of high school I did it when I was in eighth grade to seem cooler, and from that point on people would ask me about it whenever psychedelics came up in conversation.
Now I’m 20, and me and my friends actually have dropped acid, and I still tell that story like it’s the proudest accomplishment of y life.
Oh yeah it obviously never happened.
31. The real way he lost his virginity.
I tell my friends that I lost my virginity to a sorority girl.
In reality, I didn’t. I got with her, but I couldn’t get hard. We slept together, but we didn’t have sex.
I ended up losing my virginity to a fat 42-year-old mom. I went to her house to fix her computer, she got me drunk on Mike’s Hard Mango, and took advantage of me.
I’m too ashamed to admit it.
32. Her reading preferences.
I’ve never read any Twilight or Harry Potter books.
All of them. Every. Fucking. One.
33. That he actually is in love with his best friend.
I’m in love with my best friend. She straight up asked me once and I told her no, I wasn’t interested in her romantically. I’m in too deep now to confess but it hurts.
34. He lived in North Korea.
I read Korean, speak conversational Korean and know of the general knowledge of both Koreas. Everyone always asked how living in Seoul was and I would say, “It was great!” Truth is…I had lived in North Korea.
35. She actually did steal her mom’s rings.
I borrowed one of my mother’s rings without asking. I kept forgetting to return it and she accused me of stealing it, but. I denied I ever had it. When I finally brought it back I put it under her sheets in hopes that she would think she had lost it while sleeping. She instead was convinced that her house was haunted and a ghost was trying to tell her something. My mother is crazy.