Ari Eastman

This is not what I need today. I am already too busy drowning in your ghost. There is no room for other disasters.

“We fell asleep watching a marathon of Ancient Aliens and I woke up first and just looked at her in my arms and truly thought this will forever beat Vegas.”

You’re in an hour and a half long line at Disneyland.

“You weren’t my first choice tonight, but I guess that’s life, right?”

I ask em who is it? They say room service. Gimme one minute, she gettin’ a womb service.

My roommates were finally like, “We’re glad you’ve stopped playing ‘Landslide’ in the dark, but dude, you’re kinda scaring us.”

But if you are with someone because you feel like they need to be fixed, back away. It’s like picking up broken glass and then being shocked that you cut your fingers.

Before any outdoor adventures, you’re always the one who asks, “Did you put on sunscreen? What SPF are you wearing?”