The 5 Types Of Men You Should Absolutely Not Marry

Shutterstock / Matusciac Alexandru
Shutterstock / Matusciac Alexandru

The Foxtail

If you’ve ever owned a dog or other pet that goes outside, you know how damaging this cluster of grass can be. These little suckers become lodged, and depending where they get stuck, can actually continue burrowing through soft tissue and organs. Unfortunately, human versions of these plants exist. Foxtails can be difficult to spot at first. It’s an off-handed comment about your mother. A quiet scoff. Subtle moments of undermining what you say. Belittling your dreams, but only a teeny bit, so what’s the harm? The negativity a Foxtail spews starts slowly, but one day you wake up and are undeniably suffocated with self-doubt, insecurity, and general unhappiness. Beware of the Foxtail. They burrow into your heart, and you often don’t even realize until it’s too late.

The Gilded Cage

“A Bird in a Gilded Cage” is famous song from the 1900s composed by Arthur J. Lamb and Harry Von Tilzer. It’s all about a woman who marries for wealth instead of love, and what a sad, lil’ bird she is in her gilded cage. The Gilded Cage may not be about money, but there’s always some element of comfort. He makes you feel beautiful. He’ll buy you flowers for absolutely no reason. He’s a god damn Nicholas Sparks character. But there’s always a catch. You’re still in a cage, no matter how pretty it looks. This is the dude who gets insecure when you put on a hot dress and go somewhere without him. He wants you inside his perfect and beautiful cage. But speaking as someone who was once convinced that this security is worth it, trust me, it always feels better to fly free. Someone who truly loves you encourages you to spread your wings.

The Video Game Addict

This could have almost any word substituted for video game. You simply don’t want to get heavily involved with anyone battling an addiction (especially if you are just doing it because you want to fix them. See: The Broken One below). I once dated, and fell passionately in love, with a guy who had a serious problem with World of Warcraft. I can’t even tell you how much I wish that last sentence was made up. I’d sit on his lap while he played, pretending like I gave a shit about what was on the screen. Half the time, I was just like, “HELLO?! REAL LIFE WOMAN IN FRONT OF YOU!” And he’d brush it off, “Yeah babe, lemme just meet up with this Orc and then I promise we can go watch a movie.” And then three hours pass. If your bae is unable to unplug, pull the plug on the relationship.

The Opposites Attract

Some of you may disagree with me on this (but that’s cool, because #america?), but being with someone you’re too different from is a recipe for disaster. Sure, it’s cute to argue about sports teams, if Kim and Kanye will make it, what to watch Thursday night, but if you truly have nothing in common, good luck. I’ll admit, there’s something sexy about being with your opposite. It’s that frustrating, “I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU! But still want to dry hump you right now” feeling. However, attraction can change and sparks often lose that initial excitement (downer). If you don’t have at least a few things you can enjoy together, the arguments won’t be adorable for very long.

The Broken One

Ugh. Anybody who knows me would immediately start laughing that I included this type. This is one of those, “Do as I say, not as I do” moments because boy, do I love me some damaged goods! For me, psychoanalyzing is my favorite kind of foreplay, but I digress. It’s inherent human nature to be a little messed up. Everyone has some trauma or shit that made them neurotic, closed off, needy, distant, insert any adjective you’d like here. So, I’m not saying you need to find a perfectly healthy mate because those don’t exist. But if you are with someone because you feel like they need to be fixed, back away. It’s like picking up broken glass and then being shocked that you cut your fingers. Focus on taking care of you, boo. The rest will follow. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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