11. School.
I was doing a project for school during my junior year with a glass of apple juice. Finished the apple juice then poured another glass. After about 4 glasses of apple juice my stomach started to rumble. I just thought I was hungry, no big deal. Went to let out a fart, opened the flood gates, liquid fire spills out my b-hole. Spent the next 3 hours unleashing volcanic fury into my toilet like I was Mount Vesuvius or something. Never trust a fart.
12. Gamer.
I’m a father, and husband, gamer nerd and workaholic that doesn’t drink or party… I don’t get out very often, but it was the premiere week of Prometheus, and as a die hard fan of both the franchise and sci-fi genre, I knew this was worth burning a vacation day for.
I paid for a day of daycare at my daughter’s preschool, and after dropping her off, the wife and I made our way to the local mall. Since the ticket booth wouldn’t open for some time, we decided to wander the mall window shopping…
We have about 15 minutes before the booth opens, and decided to stop in the dollar store to find something for our 4 year old to play with…while the wife is stopping to look at something, I felt the urge to let something loose, and once I felt “it” start to run down the inner depths of my cheekius maximus, I clenched like I had never clenched before, and stopped the “flow”… “LUCKY ME” I thought, because there’s no fucking way, after all the arrangements I had made, the ONE day I get for my enjoyment will NOT be ruined.
I immediately said to my wife “I have to pee really bad now”.
“But you just went like 10 minutes ago, let me check out here and we’ll both go before the movie starts”
(in whisper yell)”I HAVE TO GO NOW”
“Ok, well just meet me at the theater”
After my (horribly) well planned diversion, I made my way (waddling) into the nearest mall department store (still clenching), and found the rest room…
I finished exercising the demons that had tried to ruin my day, I looked down to assess the damage to my undergarment…the situation was not pretty, but I did keep the mess contained to within the drawers.
I’ll skip you the awful details, but taking my shoes off to remove the defiled boxer-briefs was not an option, and that is when I learned that ripping off shitty boxers is not as easy as you might expect, but nevertheless 5 minutes later, I was clean, boxers in the garbage, and it was time to watch the movie, commando style, like a boss.
Prometheus was not the shittiest thing I saw that day.
