13. Drunk.
My friend was acting like a drunk asshole at a party. And I mean he was wasted. So as a prank, I shit in his pants so we could all humiliate him for shitting his own pants when he woke up the next day.
(His pants were on the floor next to the bed, I didn’t put my butt to his butt and shit on it, or shit in my hands and stuff it in his pants. I just squatted over his pants and shit on the inside and stomped it out like there was a tiny fire.)
14. Gassy.
I was pretty gassy that day and I knew I had to crap. I thought I could hold it in long enough to make it home from work (I was in the field. No bathroom). I was almost done and only 20-30 minutes from home. I figured I could let off some pressure and slip a few farts out. Usually doing this and/or pissing on the side of the road is a world of difference. Unfortunately I had no coverage to take a leak on this road and my farts were not trustworthy. I sharted and had to ride home having slightly crapped my pants.
To make matters worse when I got home (I had just bought the house) my overly friendly neighbor wanted to discuss at length the trash pickup schedule and other helpful neighborhood advice. I was deadlocked in this conversation for 10 minutes while still having to take a massive crap.
I finally got inside and had forgotten my dad was there to help us paint. Awkwardness. I ran to the bathroom to unleash the mud beast that had been growling at the gates for the past hour. What I found was total relief and euphoria. For 30 seconds. Then panic. I had to call my wife and have her bring clothes there for me to change into. We had just bought the house and hadn’t moved in yet. We wanted to paint first, which btw I highly recommend anyone do if they have the opportunity.
I showered and changed my clothes in 5 or so minutes. I was just in time to be 15 minutes late for my wife’s uncles’ (they’re twins that’s where the apostrophe belongs) birthday dinner.
