Too many people I know, myself included, have been plagued by inspired decisions to unfriend people on Facebook. Whether it’s to lower our friend count or to become more ‘exclusive,’ the unfriending ceremony is a phenomenon that everyone with a Facebook account must consider.
I’m waiting in line between equally depleted customers, the time bomb of a lunch break clicking down, idly eyeing the menu for better options than the precedent, though we resort to the latter.
Don’t touch anyone ever. I don’t care if you’re Ryan Gosling in a loincloth, if you come near me I will scream bloody murder. You become very aware of your body in a heatwave. Every crevice and fat pocket takes center stage. Your body is basically putting you on blast.
I’d be totally down with everyone walking around being real if it allowed me to say things like, “How am I? Well, I was walking past Starbucks earlier and saw a trace of muffin top through my dress when I was vainly staring at my reflection. Feeling self-conscious and like I hate carbs. How are YOU?” That would be nice.
They’ll slink up to the bar with their gelled hair, baggy button downs and jeans, and actually say the kind of pick up lines you’ll hear in a bad romantic comedy. I’ll watch a grown-ass man be reduced to mush when presented with the mere possibility of having sex.