Ryan O'Connell

If I were a girl I would cry a lot. I mean, I’m already emotional with a penis so I shudder to think what I would be like as a girl. I’d cry on my period, cry about my ex-boyfriend, cry about old best friends, cry at romantic comedies that I secretly abhorred on a feminist level.

I thought only ugly people were murderers. Why are all of these hot men getting into it now? It used to be that if you picked a good-looking husband, you could pretty much guarantee he wouldn’t kill you. Not anymore though! God, is anything sacred?

You can be close with women in an intense and amazing way. Half of the reason why women are so guarded with men is because they constantly feel like they’re trying to get into their pants. Since sex isn’t a possibility, you can enjoy a rich beautiful friendship between the genders!

A lot of anger is unexplainable, a lot of is irrational, and a lot of it feels just plain silly. So you cry when you have nowhere else to go with it. “I don’t know what to do so I’m going to just cry tears of rage. I’m going to cry for everything bad that I feel inside of me right now.”

If a celebrity’s Twitter is entertaining enough, it can make them relevant again. It’s possibly one of the most powerful tools in the industry today. If you’re not starring in any noteworthy movies and your agent is screening your calls, just make Twitter your new job.

You’re so bored. It’s six p.m. and there is nothing good on T.V. so you want to have sex with someone. Depending on your situation, you will either have to seek it out like a hunter.  You will go to the bars and zero in on your prey, or you will have sex with someone who is required to have sex with you i.e. your GF/BF.

Thanks to the internet, there are a myriad of different ways you can miss your ex. You can go on Facebook and lurk their life without you. Oh look, there’s a picture of them at a party looking completely normal and happy. And oh my god, they’re writing cute and clever things on someone else’s wall. How are they able to do that?

Bitches always think they’re so funny. Whenever they say something that was kind of screwed up, they’ll quickly be like, “That wasn’t bitchy. I was just making a joke!” Well, guess what? Your joke wasn’t funny. It was just bitchy, and bitchy does not always translate to hilarity!

You’re eating a Subway sandwich with your friend when all of a sudden, you want to have sex with someone. You try to avoid it by focusing intently on your sandwich. Yummy. Pickles, turkey, lettuce, naked flesh, private parts, mustard. Darn it! You’re looking at chipotle mayo and getting aroused. Why must life be so cruel?

Once you understand that you don’t have to get wasted, sleep with a random, and vomit in a trashcan to have a successful Friday night, you can actually get the good kind of drunk and have the good kind of fun. When people had Walks of Shame in college, they were actually secretly happy about it. Shaming was seen as a good thing.

Among the amazing tidbits of information: Meth heads will always S your D whereas stoners never like to do it, Punky Brewster is the poster child for Ecstasy and cocaine users like to wear Ed Hardy!

The song is essentially all about moving out of your parents house and going away to college. I mean, she talks about spreading your wings and taking a risk, which loosely translates to moving into a 5 x 5 dorm room with a stranger who deals Ecstasy. Right?

You can relate to your friends who have been in relationships. There’s no longer this awkward divide between you two. You get it! All those times they bitched to you about a poorly worded text message makes sense! You’re sorry to ever have thought they were just being a crazy bitch!

It’s interesting to think about why we were so willing destroy our bodies at seventeen. Being a teenager was all about “Yes. Give me that! Why not? I might projectile vomit? Cool! I haven’t done that since I was five!” Being in your twenties, however is all about being neurotic. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe. I have a gluten allergy so I can’t drink that beer.”

Someone has power over you. They have the ability to make you sublimely happy and they can also make you feel super depressed. You lose slight control over your moods. When you enter a relationship, it’s as if you sign a contract that says, “I give you 70% of my feelings. I acknowledge that you can play with them, make them feel good, and I also acknowledge that you can fucking destroy them.”

Being either a gay man or a girl means there is a good chance you’re hungry right now. If you add “works in fashion”, you’re just straight up starving all the time. And the most disturbing aspect of it all? It’s acceptable, it’s encouraged, it’s a damn joke.

Facebook has no influence on the relationships that actually matter to me. It’s the people on the periphery who get to stick around past their expiration date. If I deleted it, those are the kinds of people who would become casualties.

Hot people are overrated. Even they will admit it and say, “Yeah. I’m not that great but my face is awesome. Wanna look at it a little bit more?” Ugly guys, however, know what they’re working with. They know they have a face and/or body only a mother could love so they make the best of it by being great sexual partners.