- It would make you so happy! And oh my god, you would feel so relieved. You haven’t had sex in awhile and you think people are starting to notice. The lady who rings up your coffee every day is starting to look at you differently, like with a tinge of sadness. You think she knows! It’s becoming obvious that someone just needs to fuck you back to life. Afterwards, you can get that confidence back and stop counting the days from the last time you got laid. Everyone is owed sex and it’s your turn to collect.
- You need someone who will let your freak flag fly. There’s so much sexual territory that you haven’t explored yet. Your last sexual partner felt too uncomfortable indulging in your rape fantasy (rude!) and you’ve been thinking about doing some roleplaying too. Maybe a teacher/student type of scenario or is that too Mary Kay Letourneau? You don’t care. Someone just needs to have sex with you so you can cross some things off of your sexual to-do list!
- You’re feeling charitable. Every year you have sex with someone who is kind of gross because you’re, like, a really good person. Since you don’t give money to the homeless or volunteer, this is your way of giving back to society—by giving someone the best sex of their life! Go you and your magical vagina or penis!
- It’s been a hot minute since you’ve been validated. Lately you’ve been feeling kind of fat and you need someone who will just worship your body. They’ll get lost in every curve and say things like “you’re so fucking sexy!” The compliments you get during sex are like crack. You’ll never hear someone say such amazing things about your physical makeup and who will just be obsessed with your cellulite or any weird birthmark you might have. I find it interesting that people are so self-conscious in the bedroom. Don’t they know that it’s the one place your body can flop around without judgement? You’re letting someone orgasm, okay? That’s like the best gift of all and it trumps any negative feelings you have about someone’s body. When you have sex with me, you’re also having sex with the weird scar on my leg also so you better acknowledge it and love it.
- You’re bad at sex and need someone to teach you the ropes. Your whole life you have been passed around from lover to lover with the sneaking suspicion that you suck in bed. No one has bothered to turn you into a good lay though. If you’re doing something awful, you have to tell someone how to do it better. Otherwise they will just go through life doing that bad thing over and over again. Just imagine yourself as the boss of someone during sex (ew, wait. that’s a Herbie: Fully Loaded statement), it’s your obligation to tell them with gentle criticism how they can improve their “job.” Wait, this analogy is weird and is making me feel uncomfortable. Moving on.
- You need to feel close to someone. Even if it’s just for an hour, you need that fleeting connection so you can feel more alive or something. Be careful though. This search for a brief connection can end up making you feel more than when you started.
- You might like the next person you have sex with enough to date them. So then you date and continue to have sex until you decide to be monogamous. Then you’re having monogamous sex in a monogamous relationship. You get to know them extremely well, get to know that they hate mushrooms and olives but they love it when you nibble on their earlobe. One night you will feel extra adventurous and use a strap-on. Another night, someone falls asleep during foreplay. You begin to see all of them through sex—all of the good, bad, and selfish. You look at them differently after a night of cold emotionless sex and you know things might not ever be the same. You realize that you’re beginning to know their body better than your own,which makes you feel privileged and terrified. You never have sex with anyone else. You marry, build a life, tear it down, and rebuild. They are the last O face you will ever see. Suck on that.
- You’re so bored. It’s six p.m. and there is nothing good on T.V. so you want to have sex with someone. Depending on your situation, you will either have to seek it out like a hunter. You will go to the bars and zero in on your prey, or you will have sex with someone who is required to have sex with you i.e. your GF/BF. The dialogue will go like this:
You: Babe, I’m bored. Let’s have sex.
Them: Really babe?
You: Yes, babe.
Them: Okay, babe.
- You’re wasted and you need it NOW NOW NOW. “Must eat baked ziti and hump something immediately. Hump baked ziti?” Drunk sex is sort of like bumper cars. Your goal is to “hit” each other but you keep on missing the mark.
- Because you’re horny as hell and 2 lazy 2 masturbate.
image – joelk75