The Different Types Of Bitches There Are

The Bitch Who Loves Being A Bitch

This is an annoying breed of bitch. They are the ones who will say things like, “I’m a bitch. Take me or leave me!” or “I am such a bitch and I don’t care!” While having self-awareness is great, the ones who identify as being a bitch are usually really caustic and judgmental. They admit they’re a bitch just so they can excuse their crappy behavior. “Look, I know I called you fat but I told you that I was a bitch. I’m just being honest, okay? Would you prefer I lie to you like everyone else does?” In their eyes, they’re just speaking the truth but it’s like, no, you’re being a giant insensitive asshole. Stop justifying your awful attitude.

The Bitch Who’s Unaware Of Being A Bitch

This might actually be the worst type of bitch. Mean people are usually delusional and have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions. They’re the ones who constantly say, “I want no drama!” without realizing that they’re causing all of it. Just watch any season of The Real Housewives for examples. Camille Grammer has it down in spades. It’s important to stay away from these kinds of bitches because they are 100% insane. They will destroy your self-esteem one jab at a time and won’t ever cop to it. “Gee, I’m sorry you’re so sensitive! I was just paying you a compliment.” Ugh, get off me bitch.

The Funny Bitch

Here’s something that sucks: Bitches always think they’re so funny. Whenever they say something that was kind of screwed up, they’ll quickly be like, “That wasn’t bitchy. I was just making a joke!” Well, guess what? Your joke wasn’t funny. It was just bitchy, and bitchy does not always translate to hilarity! So when someone is actually a funny bitch, it’s a great accomplishment. It’s easy to be mean. It’s not easy to be hilarious. If you’re inherently funny, you have to have some sort of edge to you. You’re observant and making biting critiques on the world around you. And because the word “bitch” is such a blanket term (hello, look at this article!), you’ll inevitably be pegged as a bitch. True funny bitches like Tina Fey and Kathy Griffin know how to balance it though. They’ll say a harsh joke but deliver it in such a way that it doesn’t seem bitter. Because when making a scathing observation, you want to make it as digestible as possible. You don’t want to alienate anyone and have them write you off as a crazy unfunny bitch. This is a hard art to master but if you can do it, you’re basically a genius. Funny bitches are my favorite.

The Power Bitch

Power bitches aren’t really bitches at all. They just get shit done. Maybe they’re a Virgo like me! They’re also typically female (because when a woman knows what she wants, she’s a bitch obviously) and hold down amazing jobs. I used to think Kelly Cutrone was a great power bitch but then I watched Kell On Earth and realized she was verbally abusive to her staff and therefore, was just a bitch. Any major diva is a power bitch because they’re advocators for themselves and aren’t afraid to be the # 1 brat. They also don’t make apologies for having determination. Remember when Michael Kors brought his mom on Project Runway that one time? She seemed like the ultimate power bitch to me.

The Gay Bitch

Ugh, I loathe a gay bitch. I mean, if they’re actually funny and smart then I’m obsessed with them but if they’re just a superficial bland nightmare, I’m not amused. I swear, certain gay guys feel this obligation to be an asshole. It’s like they saw it on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and were like, “Oh, okay. That’s what being gay is like!” I’ve been around gay boys who just say the most awful shit you could imagine. They put their girlfriends and potential suitors under a magnifying glass and judge them so harshly. When did being mean become synonymous with homosexuality? In a way, I can understand it. When I came out of the closet senior year of high school, I asked for advice from my gay friends who were a year older than  me. They told me that in order to command respect, I had to be an asshole. Walk down those hallways like you’re the bitches from Jawbreaker and show people that you’re not willing to back down. So I did. I went to my high school and acted like the complete stereotypical gay bitch and it worked! People were scared of me and I never got any crap from anybody. Although my soul hurt sometimes, I felt like I was doing what I had to in order to survive. Maybe this is where the gay bitchiness stems from. Deep down, we’re all just on the defense. We’re all just scared of getting called faggot or getting the shit kicked out of us so we adopt this larger than life persona to deal with it. Wait, is this why gay men love Lady Gaga and every other diva so much? Because they were also these freaks in high school who later adopted huge personas to cope? I’m having a lightbulb moment. Thanks, bitches! TC mark

image – Wikipedia

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/iamahmad Ahmad Radheyyan

    I identify with the first three. Losing friends everytime I open my mouth. Fuck yeah. That's how we do it in Compton.

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    you forgot the “bad bitch”

    • newbornrodeo

      Also, the “Five Star Bitch.”
      *has an epiphany*
      *shops at Tiffany's*

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    way to misogynize bro

    • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

      But it was self-aware misogyny at least, sort of!

      So kind of like the first category of bitches? So like the misogynist who loves to be a misogynist or a racist who loves to be racist and also maybe they love Fox and the overuse of “air quotes.”

      Plus they kinda get that it some “whiny” types get “offended,” but cmon it's EDGY, get it?! Take that PC “queerfestliberal” media! “!”

      • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

        I was being 'miserable bitch'

  • Aaron Upsal

    You forgot the passive aggressive bitch who complains about other types of bitches online while writing huge diatrabs on the subject!

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      *diatrabbits

  • paige

    lady gaga was actually really normal and well liked in high school. :c

    • whu

      that's not true, look it up

  • Greg

    this was spot-on. I have always been confused about why I liked women like tina fey, amy poehler and hillary clinton. I see them speak on TV and a little immature voice says “she's def. a bitch”, then my more mature voice chimes in and says “but damn she is fucking dope as they get”

    • Fox

      Plus, who wouldn't love stick it in Tina Feys ass? (You know what I'm talking about every heterosexual male to read this.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/matthew.ballek Matthew Ballek

    Light bulb moment.

    You need to critque the bitchiness of the gays.  It's not exactly the most welcoming environment to come to especially if you have just come out.  

    omg, thankfully i'm hot like sex.

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    hahaha i loved this :)

  • uybn4
  • Ameltoid

    dis bitch

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    I prefer to be called thundercunt.

  • mbbmbc
  • Mattpinfield101

    If I could only get my bitch girlfriend to read this without being a bitch about it

  • http://twitter.com/MellowedDrama S

    ‘…because when a woman knows what she wants, she’s a bitch obviously…’ Aaah, now I geddit! Great piece!

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