Five Types Of Guys You Should Have Sex With

1. The Idiot Muscle Jock

I started to hook up with boys right around the same time male anorexia became super popular. So instead of getting to mack on some Mario Lopez dreamboat, I was resigned to grabbing some guy’s ass that felt like it was made out of thin air. Excuse me, but this is not what I signed up for when I agreed to be a homosexual. I wanted men, not some waify guy who had the body of a 12-year-old girl. If a big stupid Jersey Shore clone wanted to get physical with me, I would be like “Yes please. And pull my hair and beat me up a little bit too!” At some point, I think everyone should be with a person who has a different body type because it’s like getting an all-access pass to a foreign land. And if you ever start missing a body that looks like yours, you can just go have sex with yourself. There. Problem solved.

2. The Guy Who Hooks Up With Everyone

Hooking up with a ho might seem like a gross idea at first but it’s actually highly recommended. The reason is simple: they know what they’re doing because they’ve perfected their craft through years of practice. It’s kind of a cruel joke actually. The guy who’s going to take cues from Say Anything and write you letters and make you mix tapes is probably going to attack your mouth, kill it, and leave it for dead while the one who treats you like a piece of garbage will give you the best sex of your life. Just call this Life is unfair: Part 2455888.

3. The Ugly Guy

Hot people are overrated. Even they will admit it and say, “Yeah. I’m not that great but my face is awesome. Wanna look at it a little bit more?” Ugly guys, however, know what they’re working with. They know they have a face and/or body only a mother could love so they make the best of it by being great sexual partners. I know this might sound like some crap fed to you by Sex and the City, but it’s kind of true. Ugly guys know it’s their job to be amazing in bed. If they can actually make it that far with someone, they know they have to pull out all the stops and give you the Nirvana Nevermind of sex. So the next time an ugly guy is trying to smooch with you, give him a chance. He just might blow the Patrick Bateman rich banker out of the water.

4. The Guy You Hate

Getting with someone you can’t stand can actually be a great idea. They’re like a little Chihuahua who won’t stop barking in your ear. Everything they say is so annoying and the only way to get them to shut up is to just kiss them. Hard and rough. Almost violent. Bite their lip, push them down, and go to town. In between kisses, you can be like, “I. Hate you. So. Much. Kiss me. Screw you. Screw me!” Hate sex can sometimes be better than loving sex, which is disturbing but real.

5. Your Cousin

Just kidding! Can you believe that people used to do that though? Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt were fifth cousins once removed and even that seems like it was pushing it. Like collecting pogs and beanie babies, I’m glad that smooshing your cousin has become socially unacceptable. TC mark

image – Jeremy Vandel

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Katherine Hatcher

    Smooshing your cousin is [unfortunately] more common than you'd think (at least in the south)….

    • Josagie

      Smooshing or smooching? They're totally 2 different things. But, I guess either would be gross..

      • ZaneEatsWorld


  • Ward Hegedus

    You could accomplish this list with 2 guys at most. It'd just be hard to find an Ugly Guy that has sex with everyone that you weren't related to.

  • Calla

    Hooking up with “The Guy Who Hooks Up With Everyone” was some of the best sex I've ever had. Plus, because he gets around, when it happened it was easy to brush off and kinda like “oh, ugh, I fell into that trap” and no one gave a shit.

    Buttttt, those who have fallen in as well before know… it's a mighty beautiful, hot, damn good trap to be in. Yeah, kinda gross whenever I think about it, but I'll be damned if he didn't know what he was doing. Even thinking about it turns me on a little bit. Practice makes perfect–even if it's not with the same person. Alas.

    • kdawg

      Yep, well you won't be loving it so much when you end up with an STI.

  • Byron Burns

    I LOVE NUMBER 4!!!!!!

  • droot

    i love everything you write.
    and don't listen to hatcher, i live in the dirty south and we ain't sleepin with our cousins…

  • eddyindigo

    Can definitely vouch for #2.

  • SisterRay

    You know what's unfortunate? When the guy who hooks up with everyone is taking his cues from Say Anything, attacks your mouth, and still isn't that great in bed. Welcome to my life right now.


      feel like people in general should steer clear of anyone who 'takes cues' from Say Anything

  • cst

    omg hilarious spot on perfected words of truth

  • Allison

    My cousins aren't hot.

  • Sus

    What exactly does
    Nirvana Nevermind sex consist of? a lot of heroin?

    • Morgan

      Hard against soft?

  • Noah Tourjee

    I have been with ugly people, all were sluts and people I came to hate during sex. I have my entire life wanted to have sex with and marry an idiot muscle jock, and as a child had a huge crush on my cousin. Luckily now I have a live-in boyfriend who I can watch instantly whenever I want.

  • qwerty all over my chest

    6. The guy who's almost as old as your dad

    • Hannah Foster.


    • Anna B


  • Luke Bourassa

    hatefuck ftw

  • Too Human

    What a culture of whores.


    Now, I know this is written from a gay male POV, but could this be applicable to straight women?

    Numbers 1 and 2, but moreso 2 may seem interesting and like a good hedonistic idea in the moment. But just you wait 3 weeks later when you notice you have a herpes outbreak. It doesn't matter if you used a condom. Or if you're lucky, 5 years later when your abnormal pap test comes back. You've got precancerous cells AND genital warts. Turns out you have 13 different strains of HPV. Whoops. I've slept with way too many men, and while I've only ever had a bad UTI, I worry that something may turn up one day.

  • Mmmmm

    Fuck I LOLED at 5

  • Setoshino

    Reblogged this on The World Without Us.

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