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Texas Woman Arrested For Overdue Library Books

Lawless book-borrower Jessekah Few of Baytown, Texas was arrested on Thanksgiving Day for charges related to library books due to be returned seven years ago. Few was arrested after failing to appear in court to address the case of the missing library property, which she claims was destroyed in a fire at her house.

The Beaver Recut

It was only a matter of time before the trailer for the Jodie Foster film The Beaver got recut with audio from Mel Gibson’s angry, racist rants. Video Inside.

Top 10 Humans to Imagine Making Really Loud Whale Noises

Imagine M.I.A. idly making insanely loud whale noises while jogging through a crowded park on a beautifully sunny day in April or October. Imagine Gucci Mane making attention-seekingly loud whale noises as he brusquely “storms” out of an Office Depot after a 15-minute argument with an employee about the extra costs of reformatting his external hard drive.

The Five Original Hipsters

The kids would call him horrible names and Freddy would just cry and cry and cry. When he would get home from school, he would quell his sadness by reading old issues of Vogue and creating amazing mood boards.

4chan’s Anonymous Release Video Response To Recent Bank Hacks

“The unjust restrictions you impose on us will meet with disaster and only strengthen our resolve to disobey… Such actions taken against you and those you outsource your malignant litigation to are inevitable and unavoidable and unstoppable. We are Anonymous. We are legion divided by zero. We do not forgive internet censorship and we do not forget free speech,” Anon’s synthetic voice warns. Video inside.

Top 10 Bleakest Unpublished Blog Posts of 2009

There are 70 drafts in my Blogger account re 2009/my blog. Some were posted then unposted. Some have never been seen by other people…until now…in that here are 10 of them (unedited and in blockquotes), arranged in an increasingly bleak manner, with commentary from me.

Tommy Lee Angry at Sea World for Masturbating Whales

“…the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days at Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted.” Read Tommy Lee’s full letter to Sea World inside.

John Lennon’s Final Interview

Today marks the 30th anniversary of John Lennon’s death. In honor of that occasion, Rolling Stone is finally releasing his last interview. The interview, a nine-hour conversation that took place at Lennon’s home and studio three days before his death, was conducted by Jonathan Cott for a Rolling Stone 1980 cover story.

An Open Note To Louis C.K.

In your super funny discussion of race and white privilege with Jay Leno last Friday, you had the temerity to tell America something that black people have felt for years: “If you’re black, you get to complain more.”

The Televised Guide to Teen Girls In Love

Teen girls must be virgins in order for a boy to like them, they’re attracted to gays and assholes, raping their best friend is a major deal breaker and sometimes they shack up with a boring guy because it’s easier and less drama.

Top 10 Animals That Don’t Have Asses

One of the largest, softest, most complex areas of the human body is the ass. That asses are both sexual and fecal seems vaguely confusing. One considers the dual nature of asses and thinks “Freud, did Freud write about this, seems like he didn’t, seems like maybe he didn’t.” Asses are actually pretty rare. They seem to manifest mostly on mammals with 4 limbs of a certain length. Studies have shown that the ass evolved from the tail.

snOMG Seattle

Judging from the popularity of the #snOMG tag, it seemed like everyone had something witty to say about the Seattle snow on Twitter (which was actually a nice break from the monotony of everyone’s witty comments about the new TSA policies). Some users even registered the ironic accounts @WaSnowpocalypse and @SeattleSnowPR.

How to Not Get Laid by These Chicks

Your chances have never been better. Notice her at an Irish pub leaning heavily against the wall, near the pay phones in the back. Notice the glimmer of what appears to be either vomit or hot wing sauce on her left thigh. Go over to her, smell cologne from other men, most likely Italian-Americans; when she doesn’t notice you encroach, plug her nostrils to test if she’s still breathing.

America’s Top Brainiest Cities

A recently released study purports to map out the smartest cities in America. The study ranks the “brain power” of 200 metropolitan areas using data sourced from the American Community Survey, and organized according to levels of educational achievement and corresponding income.

How to Butter a Sizzling Hot Ass Steak

You do not want memories of being alone in your room on a Friday night buttering a sizzlingly hot ass steak (unless you’re also going to either Tweet about it in an objective manner or, for purposes of conveying “quiet desperation” in an endearingly self-aware manner, include it in an autobiographical novel or short-story).

‘The Graffomat’ Graffiti Vending Machine Hoax (Or Not)

Of course it would make no sense for any borough or township to allow the placement of a vending machine stocked with tools designed for the defacement of public/private property. But in the world of local commerce, stranger things have happened. Real or not, the latest video for The Graffomat, which is in the format of a nine-minute long infomercial, makes an entertaining case for the machine.

Marc Abrams: My Walking, Dealing Doctor

Dr Abrams seemed pretty standard in everyway except one, he only saw patients after 5:30 pm.  Seriously, Monday thru Friday, from 5:30 until 10 pm., and it was much more convenient than having to actually leave work to see him.  I found out why his hours were so odd on my first visit.  My Dr led something of a double life.  At night, he was the mild mannered family practitioner.  By day, he was known far and wide (he was super famous in Silverlake, CA) as “The Walking Man.”

I Left My Keys On the Altar

I kissed and whiskered the ass of a priest one night. The priest was an old man, a barrel, and he was of the catholic faith. We were leaving a restaurant at the same time and met at the door. After a drink at the bar across the street, we wound up in his bed in the rectory of his church. He said, “Pull the covers up over us so God can’t see.”

Grammy Nominations Announced, Soccer Moms Rejoice

Who watches The Grammys? No, really. I want to know. I’m curious because I can’t remember a time when the nominations were announced that I thought, “Cool. This is relevant.” Perhaps my head has been in the Pitchfork microwave for too long but this year’s nominations left me feeling similarly underwhelmed.

A Look At The New Facebook Profile

The creepiest new feature would have to be “Featured Friends” in which you can list the friendships that are most important to you and reveal their history. It’s like a popularity contest masquerading as a sentimental journey through time. Those of you who were on Myspace will be familiar with the perils of promoting special friendships. Top 8, anyone?

My Three Most Memorable Experiences as a DJ in NYC

“I hate to be the old guy here again…I don’t want sound like the old guy. I’ve talked to a lot of people at the party and they said they can’t hear each other talk because the music is too loud. If it isn’t too much to ask, could you turn it down? If it isn’t too much to ask. People can’t hear each other talk.”

Based on a True Story

On television, people have accidentally shot and killed their best friend while playing with their dad’s gun. In books, people have cried silently as their uncle slid his dick between their prepubescent thighs. How could my story compare to those? Nobody wants to hear about the time as a child I was offered a blowjob.

The Neighborhoods With No People: New Communities of the Digital Age

What I look for online is something other than friendship, and in searching for that something I found 4chan, a website for anonymous discussion that can only be described as a forum for the unrestrained Id of the Internet. The 4chan community is incredibly rude and offensive in every possible manner, yet it also creates art, dialogue, satire and discussion.

Math + Fashion = Girl Talk

All Day, too, has lost the feeling and voice that made Girl Talk stand out in the first place. Yes, Gillis still packs in plenty of pop samples and recombines them in new ways, but it just feels like a mathematical equation. Plug, play and see what works. What made Night Ripper so irresistible wasn’t simply that Gillis packed samples into a small span of time, but that he managed to put a voice to a style of music that often is defined more by the samples than the end product.

Meet Shannon, the Incredibly Surreal Schizophrenic

“I’ve got a yellow spider, I get everybody says they haven’t seen one yet, I got it trapped in a bottle, a jar, with sealing wax over. But you know how spiders are, y’know, they’re kinda tricky motherfuckers. Excuse my language. Plus I have an organic substance that came out of the sky, if you’re interested in helping me out to try to extract ’em…”

My Personality Map

A personality map is a bunch of different mental snippets from movies, TV shows, books, the Internet, whatever – that make up your personality as it is now. These are little things that you’ve seen or heard that have somehow made their way into your brain chemicals and stayed there forever. Does anyone understand what I’m talking about?

The War Over Christmas: American Atheists vs. The Catholic League

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a war between true believers and nonbelievers. This year, the American Atheists fired the first shot, dropping $20,000 to rent a 14-by-48-foot billboard on I-495 in New Jersey, en route to the Lincoln Tunnel, with the following message: “You KNOW it’s a myth. This season, celebrate reason!”

A Call to End “Follow Friday” on Twitter

Be it Black Friday, Freaky Friday, TGIF or Friday the 13th : the last day of the work week is ruled by anxiety. One of Twitter’s most popular trending topics, “Follow Friday” is supposed to be some kind of authentic recommendation of Twitter users one suggests to follow. I remember this kind of working in the earlier days of Twitter.

‘Living My Life Faster’ Revisited: 8 Years in Under Two Minutes

Keller’s timelapse video comp of his photo project, Living My Life Faster (above), spread like fire across the Internet before viral became a marketing objective — when idle fascination was less engineered. There’s something genuine about Keller’s project that keeps my attention. Maybe it’s the fact that he executed it with no implicit payoff in mind, just the idea that it might be interesting to pursue.

This Is Your Brain On Social Media

The good folks at YourTango, a “digital media company dedicated to love and relationships,” care about you. That’s why they produced this PSA warning of the very, very serious hazards of using social media.

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