Rachel Hodin

There’s good self-consciousness, and then there’s toxic, paralyzing, raped-by-psychic-Bedouins self-consciousness.

Olivia Pope: IT’S HANDLED.

Hitching near Green River Washington, Guy in a V.W. picks me up, a few blocks latter he suddenly pulls over and says “It’s your lucky day little girl…Get the hell out of my car!” A few weeks latter I see a picture of him on the cover of a news paper. Ted Bundy. I was a lucky little girl. That was 40 years ago.

3. She’s a big carnivore

29. In Britain, it is illegal to import potatoes into England or Wales if you have reasonable cause to believe that they are Polish.

You COULD live by this maxim. OR you could live by the more appealing, joyless and realistic one that I have stamped on my throw pillow: Fart, vomit, die. The choice is yours.

Why the hullabaloo over my $300 anti-aging neck moisturizer?? Just kidding. (Or am I?)

No but like seriously, can you not? I literally just got a pap smear and I realllllllly don’t want to go back to the gyno, at least not ’til I’m dead.

“Kiss The Rain” by Billie Myers

Disney was fired from the Kansas City Star in 1919 because his editor said he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

Because it was ill-preserved, the penis was allegedly compared to a piece of leather, a shriveled eel, and to beef jerky.

A new unnamed hero just emerged, realizing all of our job-quitting dreams in this epic video.

1. Bathe Yourself In Baby Powder

My friend used to put “petroleum transfer specialist at British Petroleum” on his resume. In reality, he pumped gas at an BP gas station.

Because it really is the flower headband that draws you in first, don’t you think? That, or the twinkle in their gold Tory Burch pendant.

Mojo no mas…

I set my molesters house on fire.

Exercise restraint