Rachel Hodin

The most honest depictions of a woman’s power over a man can be found in literature, as Clive James argues in his book Cultural Amnesia. He gives the example of “the first thing that happens in literature”: “Troy burned because Paris was smitten by Helen’s beauty.”

2. They have no patience for you.

While actions do speak louder than words, I’ve found that emojis are the noisiest of all.

34. “Mewling quim” – literally translates to “a whimpering vagina.”

9. Taylor Swift.

7. E.B. White to his wife on the occasion of her pregnancy, “written” by their dog.

8. He has made plans a month in advance and you’re not invited.

15. Tapas.

6. You’re a “DJ.”

Unless you can wow me with an awesome trick, like stashing coins in your beard or growing goji berries in it, I want it GONE.

No one wants a degenerate sleeping in their bed; if you’re the guest at a adult sleepover, set your alarm for 9:30 so as not to reveal that you’re a complete waste of life. Walk into the kitchen yawning and be all “I just CANT sleep past 10am these days!” Then, when she’s not looking, get the fuck home and back to sleep.

You’ve been warned.