1. She smells
Ah, so it ISN’T all flowers and potpourri in the life of Gwyneth, is it? So she smells, according to Kearth101. Still, that’s not a story—and really, who am I to judge? It kind of makes sense too. She admitted to Pop Sugar that Murray’s Cheese is her favorite store in New York City. Apparently, when she walks in, the people who work there “are like, ‘Where’s the stinkiest cheese we have? She’s here!'” Maybe she has some sort of secret beauty regimen, wherein she rubs stinky cheese all over her body. But then again, perhaps it’s not even her poor body odor that Vanity Fair is outing, but the source of it: that she is a man.
2. She’s a man
I have no proof behind this one, other than the fact that she curiously received wide acclaim—something she has not received since—for her role in Shakespeare in Love, the majority of which she played a man. And the whole man thing would explain quite a lot, namely the rumors that she’s a serial philanderer and pretty unsympathetic about it too.
3. She’s a big carnivore
Perhaps it’s been recently discovered that Gwyneth is a voracious meat-eater, which, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, but Gwyneth isn’t your everyday-kinda-gal. She goes around preaching her macrobiotic diet to anyone who will listen and has even enforced a strict, carb-less diet onto her kids (who are 11- and 9-years-old, mind you). So perhaps Vanity Fair discovered that, in order to maintain an organic image, Gwyneth waits until Chris and the kids are asleep, and then gorges on raw meat until sunrise—or, actually, until her 4:30am daily yoga lesson.
4. She is a drug mule
She CLAIMS to be fluent in Spanish because she grew up with a Spanish nanny or something like that, but that does not a fluent Spanish speaker make! What if she grew up with no nanny at all and only knows Spanish fluently because, ever since her career plummeted after Shakespeare in Love, she has doubled as a drug mule to make some extra income?
5. She performed fellatio for a role
It’s been said that Winona Ryder was initially supposed to play Gwyneth’s part in Shakespeare in Love, but that Gwyneth stole Ryder’s spot after seeing the script at Ryder’s home. She then reportedly “convinced producers to hire her for the role instead.” “Convinced”?? As in, fellatio? “Producers”?? As in, Harvey Weinstein?
6. She is addicted to weed edibles
It’s always slightly suspicious when someone denies something so vehemently. And Gwyneth has made a point to remind us over and over again that she hardly smokes cigarettes and, if she does, it’s on a Saturday night when she rewards herself with one American Spirit light. But PERHAPS (and this is only speculation) Gwyneth is really masking her addiction to edibles, which requires her to eat at least three weed brownies a day to take a poop.
7. She does not work out at all
Her workout regimen is also another dubious topic, seeing as it’s something that she just won’t shut up about. Two hours a day? Working out? You can’t be serious. How awesome would it be if she spent those two hours every day under the StairMaster in her gym, wearing her Shallow Hal fat suit and binging on Cheetos in an experiment to “see how the other side lives.”
8. Her “real business”
Okay, so yes, she designed skimpy string bikinis for girls ages 11 and under, but is that really what’s getting everyone’s panties in a twist? How about everyone takes a step back and addresses the much more blatant problem at hand: that she’s running an underground child prostitution ring, in which Apple and Moses act as pimps.
9. She eats humans
She “loves her children so much,” is “overprotective” of them and is a “perfectionist” when it comes to what they can eat. Can I just say what we’re all obviously thinking? Gwyneth is a cannibal. No two ways about it. Why else would she be raising her kids as a farmer might grow some quality crops?
10. Her OTHER “real business”
Gwyneth once told USA Today that the name she chose for her website, GOOP, “Is a nickname, like my name is G.P., so that is really where it came from. And I wanted it to be a word that means nothing and could mean anything.” COULD MEAN ANYTHING, huh? Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking? GOOP as an acronym for a covert terrorist organization whose sole purpose is to actually contaminate children’s food everywhere with airplane food and cup-n-noodle ingredients so as to ensure that no one younger than 11-years-old is better looking than Apple or Moses? Yeah? K good I’m not the only one.
11. She is an extra-terrestrial
Gwyneth once told the Irish Independent, “I don’t wake up in the night, ever. I sleep like a rock.” Yeah, you know who else sleeps like a rock? The characters in Aliens when they’re in hypersleep. And Jake Sully in Avatar whenever he enters Pandora.
12. Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually hate her
Perhaps they’re not all buddy-buddy as Gwyneth likes us to believe? Perhaps she actually, finally, offended Jay-Z and Beyoncé? Gwyneth won’t stop making subtle yet not-subtle-at-all remarks about “Uncle Jay” and Beyoncé to remind us all that she is indeed friends with them, but we never get to hear their side of the story. How do they feel about her, hmm? I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t like her at all! I can see Moses running up to Jay-Z screaming, “I’m black! Yay! Mommy says I can be whatever I want to be!” and Jay-Z being like, “Little man, I don’t care what your Mommy says you are NOT black!” I can also imagine Jay-Z reading one of Gwyneth’s quotes about him, in which she refers to him as “Uncle Jay,” being like, “Uncle who? I ain’t no Uncle.” And finally, can’t you see Bey rolling her eyes to her homegirls after a show when Gwyneth chases her down and goes, “Bey! Bey! I just need to know. What’s it like being the most perfect person in the world??” After all, she did ask a similar question to Miranda Kerr.
13. Project with Vice gone awry
Again, no proof of this one either, but I have a strong inkling that Vice‘s ears perked right up after reading Gwyneth’s now-infamous quotation, “I don’t want to be rich and I don’t want to be famous.” Maybe they even took her up on this claim and brought her to the slums in India, just to see it. Maybe she threw a temper tantrum, refused to get off the plane, and then when they forced her to, she used the civilians’ prayer rugs as a yoga mat.
14. She’s a liar
“One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about Salad Niçoise—one of my favorites,” Gwyneth writes in her 2011 cookbook My Father’s Daughter. My theory? Someone—could have very well been Vice again—hooked her up to this machine that depicts your dreams onto a screen (don’t ask). The results? Not one trace of Salad Niçoise. Instead, her dreams are rife with hot-dog-binges and terrifying, stressful situations like this one she describes in the cookbook, “One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.” The horror!