1. Biting Nails
I’m not a nail-biter myself, but I can safely assume guys don’t enjoy having to hold hands with stubby, chode-like fingers.
2. Can’t Take Compliments
It’s one thing to respond to a compliment with, “Who, me?? Nah…you crazy…” But it’s quite another thing to respond in a much more serious, body-dysmorphia kind of way. If a dude tells you you’re looking good, don’t get all wackjob on his ass—mainly because you would inevitably end up drawing attention to your “flaws” that he would have never noticed.
3. Talking About Yourself A Lot
It sucks, because our lives are always so much more interesting than theirs, but just try not to have that written all over your face. Apparently guys have feelings too.
4. Saying “Like” A Lot
I don’t know, I think this like irritates them or something. This is also kind of an American thing.
5. Wearing Sweatpants
Apparently Mr. Derek appreciates a nice sweatshirt queen, but swap the “shirt” for “pants” and you got yourself another turn-off. Not that I agree with this turn-off in the least. It’s a generalization and a wrong one at that. Don’t believe me? Just picture this: my butt, juicy couture sweatpants, 8th grade. Case. Closed.
6. Overly Dry Or Negative
Yeah, apparently guys don’t like this either! Learned this one the hard way.
7. Inability To Make Fun Of Yourself
People who can’t make fun of themselves are deplorable creatures. This one is not limited to women.
8. Sporting A Long Island/Valley Girl Accent
Perhaps the most repugnant accent known to man, ladies and gentlemen, the Long Island accent. Though there’s no telling whether it’s the mere accent that offends them or what invariably comes along with the accent: Overly tanned skin, a penchant for taking group lemon drop shots, and an appetite for sitting at salons and talking about the dangerous side effects of mercury.
9. Excessive Healthy Eating Habits
And not only will dudes be glad that they can comfortably go out for a burger or fried Oreo with you, but you, inevitably, will be a happier person too with greasy food in your belly.
10. Talking Shit About Other Girls
No matter what, this will always come across as insecurity and jealousy masked as catty, petty behavior. None of which are sexy.
11. Not Listening
Though mentioned before, it’s always worth reiterating that men apparently have feelings.
12. Talking About Your Ex A Lot
Because—curveball—guys get jealous too. On another note, ladies, always have the ex card in your back pocket in case you ever need to use it for leverage.
13. Playing With His Nipples
I won’t lie to you, I am the number one culprit of this. Ladies, why do we do this? Perhaps it’s related to guys’ tendency to pinch and squeeze our boobs, which—spoiler alert—feels like a lackluster breast-exam by my internist.
14. Theatrical Moans During Sex
I know this because some un-muffle-able girl lives above me, whose nightly moans and Chihuahua-like yelps are currently the soundtrack to my life.
15. Skewed Sense Of Self-Importance
Guy: Did it ever cross your mind that I was asking you out platonically? Maybe because I’m interested in your friendship?
Me: No, actually, I hadn’t thought of that. Mainly because you have a penis.
16. Giving Guys Hickeys
Doesn’t matter if every guy I’ve ever tried to give a hickey to has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want one—Ima do it anyways. I’ve got to leave my mark somehow and I’m pretty sure he’s not down with me urinating on him
And much to my dismay and disappointment too! But you know what? I’m gonna keep on cryin’, yeah…I’m gonna keep on cryin’…Because A) As evident in the previous sentence, it might some day turn into the next Bob Dylan song; B) I try not to base my decisions on what will please men; but most importantly C) I simply cannot help it. It’s unclear whether it’s the birth control, or just inherited from my cripplingly sensitive mother, but I literally cannot stifle my somewhat frequent tears.
18. High Maintenance
Why the hullabaloo over my $300 anti-aging neck moisturizer?? Just kidding. (Or am I?)
19. Writing About Him
Do it. Because you know what? FTW.
20. Not Being Timely
I like to think I have greatly contributed to the pioneering of this quirk—if you can even call it that. I can’t give all of the credit to myself, of course. I have to express gratitude to my self-inflicted anxiety—couldn’t have done it without you boo.