Lorenzo Jensen III

“Sometimes when we make out, I close my eyes and forget what you look like. Then I open them again and get sad.”

“Uncle Jimmy didn’t get shot accidentally. He deserved it.”

“If she smokes, it’s an instant turnoff for me.”

“Ate spam and eggs out of a Frisbee because I ran out of paper plates.”

“We come last—after women and children.”

“If your bike is older than you are, you might be a hipster.”

“I start taking pictures from like 20 feet away. I walk up to it and it’s a dead person.”

“Three Tater Tots long and the circumference of one.”

“There is something evil in her that can never be fixed.”

“Scars. Not self-harm scars, just ‘I was stabbed once’ scars.”

“He told me I was gorgeous—and that I looked exactly like his sister.”

“When they squeeze your boobs hard like a pair of stress balls.”

“When I got home the TV had a black screen with white text on the bottom that said ‘I’m not home.’”

“Easiest way to scale back your sex life? Get married.
Easiest way to reduce it to twice a year? Have kids.”

“She threatened to sue her parents because they bought her a new car instead of giving her money.”

“I was raped multiple times as a child and I’ve never had a real friend in my life.”

“We are actually as emotional and sensitive as you, it’s just that societal norms dictate that we don’t express that lest we be emasculated.”

“During sex, out of nowhere, Siri turns on and says ‘I’m listening.’ That threw me off for a bit.”