44 Signs That Someone Has NO Idea What They’re Doing In Bed

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Found on AskReddit.

1. When they can’t tell the difference between your vagina and your sofa cushion.

“Not mine, but one of my friend’s experience. She was in college and started making out with a guy on her couch while they were both a bit intoxicated. This led to deciding to have sex, and as she laid there, he seemed to be really into his thrusts. The problem, he was fucking the slit between the couch cushions and not her. It doesn’t matter how many times she tells this story, I always crack up.”


2. When they can’t tell the difference between your vagina and a mattress.

“Started making out with my HS bf. Took off our clothes. We hadn’t had sex at this point. He suddenly starts moaning about how ‘great my pussy feels…oh my godddd!!’…I’m totally confused because he isn’t touching me at all…I look under the sheets and see him enthusiastically humping my mattress! I still don’t understand how that felt like what a vagina should feel like. Not like he had never touched it before and he supposedly was not a virgin? He was a little drunk, but still…”


3. When they kiss like they’re trying to suck your head into their mouth.

“Once I slept with a guy who kissed like a vacuum cleaner. He straight up suction cupped my mouth, and the more I pulled away, the more he stuck onto me. He then bit my nipple in half, and that took a week to heal…”


4. When they keep interrupting a blowjob to talk about their day.

“During a blowjob, she kept stopping every two minutes to chat about how her day went.”


5. When you fall asleep during their blowjob.

“Was getting a blowjob that was so bad, I had just about no feeling from it. Ended up nodding off while she was going down on me.”


6. When they ask you why you’re ‘kissing them down there.’

“As I started to slowly go downtown on her: ‘what are you kissing me down there for?’ I told her to just relax and enjoy. Later in the evening (well after the event) she asked if we could do ‘that thing’ again next time….”


7. When they finger you so hard and deep, you wind up crying for a half-hour.

“I’m the idiot that did this one. On my first sexual encounter, I fingered a girl. I thought the deeper in I shoved my fingers in her vagina, the better it would feel. I made her cry… For the 30 minutes after it took to drive her home. Not a great experience.”


8. When they grasp your boob in their claw and turn it back and forth like it’s a doorknob.

“I have big boobs. Grasping my boob in a claw and turning it back and forth like a doorknob does NOTHING for me, but it’s a good indication of an inexperienced guy.

Also, a guy that would punch my nipple and just hold it there or put it in his mouth and not suck on it/run his tongue over it or nibble turned out to be sexually inexperienced.”


9. When they squeeze your boobs hard like a pair of stress balls.

“While making out, he put his hands up my shirt, grabbed my boobs… and squeezed them both really hard. Like a pair of stress balls. He was very confused when I started howling in pain, and that left some interesting bruises.”


10. When they squeeze your balls so hard, you nearly cry.

“I went on a date with a girl in high school who was supposed to be experienced. We started making out, and she started squeezing my balls so hard I nearly cried. I thought she knew what she was doing, and I had no idea… so I went with it.”


11. When they don’t even know about missionary position.

“I’m not sure what it is about recent movies and stuff, but I was with a girl a while back (She had been a virgin) who was certain that doggy style was just sort of ‘how it was done.’

Said it’s basically all she’s ever seen in movies and the small amount of porn she’d seen.

The conversation came up after our 3rd or 4th time and I told her to lay down as we were getting ready for action. Missionary position just blew her mind. Way more satisfying for her. She was all like “why don’t people do it like that all the time?””


12. When they tell you to bite their pussy.

“‘Bite my pussy, bite my pussy!!’

‘Are… Are you sure…?’

‘Yes damnit… Bite my pussy!’

‘…never do that again! Oh god, never do that again!’”


13. When they bite your dick.

“Biting my dick because you think I’ll like it.”


14. When they can’t tell you’re cumming.

“When my muscles contracted inside, he jumped back and said, ‘What was that?!?’ sigh


15. When they use teeth on a blowjob .

“Teeth on a blowjob. Her down-suck was great but the up-suck felt like I was face-fucking a shark.”


16. When they don’t know where their clitoris is.

“I had to show my girlfriend (who was well into her 20’s) where her clitoris was and how to masturbate.

The funniest part was she diddled herself every chance she got after that for about a month. Her roommate sarcastically thanked me for all the extra noise in the apartment.”


17. When they can’t tell the difference between cumming and needing to pee.

“Was trying to make a girl come for the first time in her life. She’s getting all worked up when suddenly she yells out ‘I HAVE TO PEE!’ She darts to the bathroom and tries to pee for a few minutes unsuccessfully. She was climaxing but thought she was going to piss herself.”


18. When they put the condom on backwards.

“He put the condom on backwards and couldn’t figure out how to roll it down. I told him it was okay and showed him the proper way to put it on.

I’m still with him over a year later, he got better.”


19. When they’re shocked to see semen come out.

“Got a handjob from a 28-year-old virgin, she was shocked shocked when semen came out.

Conservative Catholic country, still lived with her parents no sex education never watched porn, kind of a conservative girl I guess, never tried anything at all before that. Literally zero experience (obviously) and no one had ever explained how it worked.

The handjob came after sex, which came after we had kind of mutually decided it wasn’t gonna work out for various reasons. She was a little bit upset at the semi breakup and then I could kind of see her steel herself and say ‘OK, well if this is going to end you need to do this one thing for me.’ That thing being her first time having sex. I tried to argue it wasn’t a good idea but she was basically like no you fucker this is happening, and I kind of shrugged and went alright, fuck it my principles aren’t that strong on this anyway.

Had sex, she was starting to get physically uncomfortable after a while, so just had her finish me off with her hand onto her chest….Yeah she did not foresee what the outcome of that was gonna be at all. ‘EWWWWW… WHAT?!’ touch pool of cum, smells fingers ‘EWWWWW WHAT IS THIS?’

Me: Wait, what? What you didn’t know?”


20. When they have ‘Yoda Mouth.’

“Had a girl who was flirting with me heavily while we hung out, even saying overtly sexual things then pulling back as soon as I reciprocated (which is kind of a sign in and of its own), but when I went to kiss her, I was greeted with what I can only describe as ‘Yoda Mouth.’ Her lips were pursed together in that way Yoda does when he’s really disappointed, or seems to be contemplating something, and I immediately thought that maybe I had misread her and she was just too polite to say ‘hey, you are an asshole, stop it.’

Next time we hang out I assume it’s platonic, she is still super flirty but I figure that’s just her thing, but as she goes to leave she looks at me and says ‘Kisses?’ (not a Jenny reference on her part, but I kind of giggled inside at it.) I don’t remember exactly what I did but obviously it must have really shown my ‘Uh, no thank you, ma’am’ feelings, which would have normally ended things until she half yelled ‘I’ll open my mouth this time!’

That…is about the most obvious sign of inexperience I have ever seen. She was over 30, and hadn’t yet quite gotten making out yet.”


21. When they try to fuck your peehole.

“He continuously kept licking my peehole and tried to shove it in there. We changed positions ’cause he simply couldn’t put it in the right hole. I got on top and he proceeded to enter my butthole.

‘I’m gonna tear your walls’ he said in a text message 30 minutes before coming over.”


22. When they have no rhythm.

“Not really finding much of a rhythm. Neither as two people working as one, or even one finding a rhythm of their own. Jerky, uncoordinated.”


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