Lorenzo Jensen III

“When we lived in western Pennsylvania my uncle would always tell me about Charlie No-Face.”

“He looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m going to hell for this, aren’t I?’”

“My wife fell asleep while I gave her oral.”

“I put my finger in my belly button and then smell it.”

“The overwhelming sensation of relief when removing a bra after a long day of wearing one.”

“I masturbated to Facebook pictures of my friend…who died two years ago.”

“I’d like to toss a grenade over the fence.”

“I answered but there was no one there. I called it back and the number was disconnected.”

“My mother was part of Charles Manson’s ‘family.’”

“take notice it is a small room”

“Today, I f*cked up… by being a wiseass to a Canadian Border Agent…”

“Today, on the one-year anniversary of my boyfriend’s death, I decided it was time to clear his clothes out of our closet. In one of his coat pockets I found a diamond engagement ring…”

“What happens to your socks? Do you actually keep them on?”

“Walking into a Walmart is like visiting a different planet.”

I have had many unusual sexual experiences, mostly because I am an unusual man.

“They can do the helicopter thing with their manly parts.”

“When I was in 3rd grade, I found Polaroids of my parents getting down and dirty on their honeymoon.”

“The guy in the KKK costume rips off his mask and yells ‘I’m black, I’m black.’ He really was black.”