Lorenzo Jensen III

“A newborn infant had been hurt by its mother’s boyfriend because she wouldn’t stop crying.”

“I thought that babies came out of the anus.”

“I thought that penises were shaped like snowmen.”

“Frozen, I watched as the doll’s open mouth slowly shut.”

“A flashlight was shining out of the fellow’s orifice.”

“I decided to see if I could fit my entire hand into my vagina.”

“He was a really nice guy, but I remember seeing him maybe once or twice a year just snap and go to this other place in his head.”

“If you ignore me, i will find you…and i will kill you…”

“He broke up with me on what I later found out was his wedding day.”

“The ol’ fashioned way—I walked in on my parents.”

“When we lived in western Pennsylvania my uncle would always tell me about Charlie No-Face.”

“He looked me in the eye and said, ‘I’m going to hell for this, aren’t I?’”

“My wife fell asleep while I gave her oral.”

“I put my finger in my belly button and then smell it.”

“The overwhelming sensation of relief when removing a bra after a long day of wearing one.”

“I masturbated to Facebook pictures of my friend…who died two years ago.”

“I’d like to toss a grenade over the fence.”

“I answered but there was no one there. I called it back and the number was disconnected.”